cage stage

| noun | demonstrating wild and possibly deranged excitement over the seventeenth century pronouncements of the Synod of the Canons of Dordt in the Netherlands. These pronouncements are often referred to as the five points of Calvinism and, once a person becomes convinced that these five points are true, he or she enters the dreaded “cage stage.” The novice Calvinist is considered “armed and dangerous” during this period, which has been known to extend to six months, but in more serious cases can last up to ten years or longer.

Symptoms include: high fever that results in delirious incoherence of thought and speech; vomiting spasms brought on when anyone mentions “free will” or “asking Jesus into their heart” or the dreaded philosophy of Jacob Arminius; restlessness, especially during church services, when the sufferer goes more than an hour without hearing the TULIP’s five bells ringing in their ears; and diahrrea of the mouth, where uncontrollable spasms of verbal nonsense put everyone within earshot at risk.

The recommended treatment is complete isolation, restriction of movement and speech, until the symptoms pass. Unfortunately, this treatment is rarely sought by the afflicted person, so family and friends are often left to suffer silently. The only person who can reach the cage stage victim is a more experienced Calvinist, because the victim’s state of mind does not permit trust in any others. Please DO NOT attempt intervention without consulting an expert.

now the trick is not becoming cage-staged in anti-cage-staging.