epiphany

I am such a jaded curmudgeon and I feel a large part is because I don’t have role models to look up to anymore.

Some of it is the directional aspect. I have achieved everything I wanted in life. My sights weren’t lofty (clearly) but I’ve checked all the boxes. It seems the more comfortable and stable my life is, the angrier and more frustrated a person I become.

Of course, role models have a relational aspect. I haven’t really built back up my network since moving to MD. I had more older Asian male friends back in NYC who I respected a lot. I wish race wasn’t that important but how can it not in the era of identity.

I am reaching out through different avenues. I need someone who understands my worldview to help me navigate this, a tall order. It’s probable this is what every adult feels. That kinda sucks.

I can’t optimize God out of my life

The credit card points are great but I end up blowing them on traffic camera tickets.

Paying property taxes online is really convenient unless I pay it on the wrong property.

Giving my best presentation but for the wrong audience stifles my sense of accomplishment.

All the best parenting materials don’t seem to help when I end up surrendering to frustration at my don’t-know-any-better toddler.

Getting extra sleep sometimes, but doesn’t always, save me from random grogginess.

I don’t know why I think I can solve everything when it seems pretty clear I can’t solve most things. Jesus prods and lets me know I can’t do a single thing without him.