I can’t optimize God out of my life

The credit card points are great but I end up blowing them on traffic camera tickets.

Paying property taxes online is really convenient unless I pay it on the wrong property.

Giving my best presentation but for the wrong audience stifles my sense of accomplishment.

All the best parenting materials don’t seem to help when I end up surrendering to frustration at my don’t-know-any-better toddler.

Getting extra sleep sometimes, but doesn’t always, save me from random grogginess.

I don’t know why I think I can solve everything when it seems pretty clear I can’t solve most things. Jesus prods and lets me know I can’t do a single thing without him.

A note on being a tool

I made this somewhat a point in my message to my disciples, but it should be one's aim in life not to be a tool for women. While reading at Columbia, I literally witnessed a Korean fob with designer jeans and frames sit down and have long coffee chats with two different women, with an hour of separation in-between. He propped his feet up on the chair, made the girls squeal "oppa~" a couple times, and smiled at his own occasional cleverness. Tool, tool, and super tool. And yet I observed these things while intermittently exchanging sentimental messages to my girlfriend on my phone. I conceded we're all entrapped by similar things.

Why is it I'm writing this? Because I realize I'm growing. Yes, I'm pronouncing a judgment on him here on the internet (there is a purpose for that, namely, I don't want to see you guys doing shady stuff too). But it didn't stop there. I prayed for the guy, for his future marriage, that he would learn the emptiness of his boyish ways, and even prayed for the gift of tongues - for God to somehow endow me with Korean so I could befriend him. I prayed for my brothers to stand countercultural and love fellow sisters by loving God more than their egos. I earnestly wanted those prayers answered. We must all learn that the mark of manliness may indeed be how many marks we've left on fellow men, and not scars on women. LORD, forgive me all my wrongdoings; I am a worm, but what makes it all worthwhile is that I am your worm.

To be fair about painting pictures of certain people groups, there was a group of very loud and vulgar Chinese FOBs on the other side so I much preferred the Korean couple(s). Also, to the Korean brethren, if you could supply translated phrases along the lines of, "Have you ever heard of covenantal theology?" I'd be most thankful! I surmised it would have been fun to see what this guy felt about covenants, both with God and with other people. Apologies, I'm inextricably going through my 5th relapse into cage-stage Calvinism.

The will of God #2

Going through the book of Acts with my missions team besets my soul with an appropriate awe at the sovereignty of God. Quite clearly, he accomplishes his kingdom-expanding purposes by using the beating, flogging, persecution, stoning, and martyrdom of his servants. Through suffering, the gospel mushrooms out of Jerusalem into the land of Gentiles. Indeed, these would be the "greater works" that Christ prophesies would be greater than the works he did during his earthly ministry. I sit here reflecting on what future trials are coming that I would be privileged to face. Christ suffered immensely in order to give life to a dead world, and t'would be a privilege to similarly suffer for the sake of his name.

I also reflect on the nature of fellowship and how it sometimes can lose this paradigm. How many times do we see the fellowship strive for familiar comfort and vain hanging out? Not necessarily wrong in of itself, but it was so clear to me that it was simply a pattern, of that being the natural inclination of our hearts instead of going out of our comfort into the "land of Gentiles." To prevent being passive aggressive, I'll just make it known that I am talking specifically about my college fellowship.

But I also saw glimpses of redemption. We consecrate things to God and his will in our own will, that is, our own intentionality. That, my friends, is a made-up Christian word that will haunt me for the rest of my life...yet it's always relevant. Let's take fellowship hanging out as an example. Drawing lessons from my mentor and my coleaders, debriefing after such things has been tremendously helpful in cementing how we saw God move and how we pray he will continue to work. That is redeeming. That is being God-centered.

Speaking from experience, intentionality in all things has given me great peace these past months to close my college career, as opposed to the frenetic, empty pleasure-grabbing marked by Christians and non-Christians who are both guilty of this. This has involved the following:

• Again, on the subject of preparing for young adult life, I needed to assume that I will have no intimate community. This makes it easy to avoid abusing the community as my source of life which would thereby destroy it.
• Preaching the gospel to friends whom I may never see again was a top imperative. Being a friend to friends whom I may never see again, you can call it the same thing.
• Saying what I needed to say. Not being afraid about people's opinions of me. Being open about who I am, weaknesses and all.

Admittedly, I failed so many times to love and protect others for the sake of self-interest and I can only now see it as a painful means of grace to draw lessons from. Those mistakes stem from lack of intentionality, so LORD, forgive me. Open my heart to see your surpassing worth that I may die to myself and boldly walk in your precepts.

The will of God #1

Here I am, finally a post-grad young adult. Far from being a violent transition, there have been many things I've been doing the past year in order to simulate and prepare for this point. The aim: to saturate purpose into every hour of every day. The motivation: to align myself to the will of God - simple enough. The motivation for the motivation: to enjoy his spirit leading the way. Honestly, any one of those three statements could be switched with the other lol such is the language of Christianese. Regardless. Many times I've failed to align myself to his desires, but his mercies have been new and newer to strengthen this almost-man child of his.

The will of God. We should thank God for his word in helping us understand what this means in non-abstract, non-mystical, non-hypothetical terms. The Christian that is frustrated with "lack of direction" has put his faith in the wrong thing, namely, trusting circumstance for security instead the God controlling the circumstance. His clarity is what makes him a gracious God, and we put our faith into what he has made clear. Using scripture, therefore, John MacArthur has provided a helpful framework in discerning his will, explained below in order of priority:

• He wills that I be saved. Again and again. There is no desire of God's outside of this one whereby he would want anything other than for me to be steeped in the intimate knowledge of my sonship. (2AM has not shown mercy on my prosing)
  
• He wills that I be sanctified. I cannot not be aware of my sin and call that God's will. It's all about greater awareness: my fallenness, my identity in him, my working out his salvation with fear and trembling.
  
• He wills that I be spirit-led. Far be it from me to over-spiritualize something, especially in light of recent tragedies like this. Following the spirit involves abiding in the word (ever pondered the manifold wisdom of an infinite God and the condescension it must take to put that into human language? Just wow...never take your Bible for granted) and being sharpened by a community likewise abiding.
  
• He wills that I be sacrificial. No room for sideline Christianity. Am I number 1 or are others? No matter how "busy" I'll get with life, there will always be examples (other than Jesus himself) of busier people who still lay down their lives for the kingdom, leading to..
  
• He wills that I be a servant. Honestly, John, I don't know the difference between this and the last point, but things are still worth repeating. Is my life being poured out for the sake of the gospel? May I never be too busy for this, I have 168 hours a week at my disposable. Trust me, I've done the math!

The more I adhere to these clear outlines of his will, the more joy I experience. To repeat a Timmy K. quote I tweeted earlier, "The lack of joy in our life is due to our lack of mission." And so by converse, fullness of joy is found in him because he makes known to us the path of life (Psalm 16:11)!

Not many reasons to be excited about school this year

but one big one would be the chance to be around so many people again.
Which means I get reminded way more quickly how sinful I am.
yay God! :)