epiphany

I am such a jaded curmudgeon and I feel a large part is because I don’t have role models to look up to anymore.

Some of it is the directional aspect. I have achieved everything I wanted in life. My sights weren’t lofty (clearly) but I’ve checked all the boxes. It seems the more comfortable and stable my life is, the angrier and more frustrated a person I become.

Of course, role models have a relational aspect. I haven’t really built back up my network since moving to MD. I had more older Asian male friends back in NYC who I respected a lot. I wish race wasn’t that important but how can it not in the era of identity.

I am reaching out through different avenues. I need someone who understands my worldview to help me navigate this, a tall order. It’s probable this is what every adult feels. That kinda sucks.

“That is the capitulation of church to politics!”

– Dietrich Bonhoeffer, said of Protestant church groups who did not openly repudiate fascist policy during Nazi rule.

Bonhoeffer, among other liberal or non-reformed Protestants, can be a thorn in the side. Whereas traditional Calvinism inclines the church to distance itself from political provacateuring and incendiaries, we have these heroes outside the reformed tradition that were, to use a loaded phrase, “on the right side of history.”

Today, the situation is ironic in that American Christians, of all the issues we could politicize, appear to be most vocal about topics that will earn public disdain (I’m speaking mostly in the modern era). I acknowledge that the church does lesser-known good in the areas of poverty, illnesses, and disaster relief, but Christian blogs and podcasts would have me believe that majority culture evangelicalism doesn’t mind projecting its public identity onto unfavorable positions on sensational issues.

Maybe Bonhoeffer would be just as vocal as well on those issues, but can’t we gain some social capital by “diversifying” our outrage across the political spectrum? Why isn’t evangelicalism by-and-large decrying structural deficiencies leading to gun violence? Why don’t pastors give credence to climate change?

Our reformation fathers were bold in decrying the structural abuses of the Roman Catholic church, but from the modern perspective, the progressive causes of abolishing slavery and racial civil rights get the most kudos. My take is, of all the progressive causes, let’s make sure we’re leaders on all the right ones soli Deo gloria.

#YOSSO

Graduation slide they’ll show on the big screen for SEAS ceremony. It’s getting real.

Those mid-study phonecalls

that leave me thankful for God revealing how judgmental and anti-gospel I am and how dependent on him I need to be. I desire the best for your people, LORD!

Life is not simple, nor does it make sense, but I am going to do my best to translate my principles (of which I will not compromise) into principles that show love and care for those they mean to protect.

Best man

I'm going to try to write this in the tone of +Edward Suh's (@Eagersuh) tweets. Running into my friends who are with their significant other makes me so happy. Like really really happy. The guy's embarrassed grin can scarcely be contained, and the girl's eyes glint with a joy I just don't see in other contexts. Like PDwight's groomsman/best man analogies, in those moments I dwell not on myself and instead cherish that window I can peer into their shared joy.

It remains indefinite who is to be my object of affection, the apple of my eye. But the thrill of expressing those emotions (for which there will be no lack, this I promise) will give me deeper appreciation of the passion Christ sees his bride, the church. In any case, I'll gladly use this time to take the role as humble groomsman to please Jesus and his wife, me in the background and them in the foreground.

The art of losing myself is the art of joy

It could be hard to fathom, but I was ostensibly more prideful when I was younger. One clear example was my refusal to learn Chinese properly. As I sit here and prepare to go to Chengdu in hopes of showing God's love to a people I can barely communicate with, the regret is palpable.

The main reason that I hated learning Chinese was that it forced me to lose myself. Sardonic quips, mocking snark - these things I saw as precious facets of my personality. Chinese sarcasm (hyperboles, rather) is more to be mean than to be funny. It infuriated me to "condescend" to a language where sarcasm as I knew it didn't exist, and the extent of humor was cheesy puns. Our flesh naturally wants to make much of ourselves, but if only God helped me to see that people could really use less of my sarcastic personality anyways, much less the people I will minister to in the future.

And that is why - better late than never - I am now loving every second of learning Chinese. +Brendon Wu said once that if you find that your interests are not constantly changing, you should really question whether your love is genuine. We touched upon this in CG too (+Rachel Miao +Gloria Kim): we must love people in the way they feel loved. Their interests must become ours, in the same way Jesus condescended himself in human form to walk alongside us. My love for God and his people, and my desire to forget myself to make much of him, is now giving such education divine purpose and passion, to which there is much joy.

Pennkindness

Was randomly blessed by dude who held the elevator for me at Harnwell then proceeded to make heartfelt conversation about the week for what the 20 floors were worth. What a nice guy! How easy would it be for me to not be so insecure and brighten someone's day? Worth thinking about.

Weekend takeaways

• Legalism is not obeying God when you don't feel like it. Legalism is obeying God and feeling more loved by him or self-justified. Obeying God when you don't feel like it (for the moment) is faith.
• +Albert Chu running jokes, e.g., you don't even go here, the immersive video-game/chips and fries eating/walking experience, providential events

Ecclesiology #2

This is the test of true meditation and true Christian community. Has the fellowship served to make the individual free, strong, and mature, or has it made him weak and dependent?

- Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Ecclesiology #1

Has it never struck you that, in the New Testament, almost nowhere does it tell you how to do evangelism? Why? Because it understood that being the church was to do evangelism. We do evangelism because we are not convinced that our Christian community is radically and supernaturally different.

- Sinclair Ferguson

God and his ironies

We’re aware of the many opposites of God - in scriptures Matthew 20:16, 1 Corinthians 3:19, Luke 17:33 - and I’ve simply been cataloging how this plays out in real life.

• Had a conversation with friend who has gone through special education and found myself very annoyed talking to him. I realized this was because he talked all about himself and didn’t have any questions for me nor show interest in my life. The spirit at that moment hit me with the weight of hypocrisy where earlier in the evening I had been talking to people all about myself in times of fellowship. Except with me, I have neither disability nor shortcoming to find excuse in.
• I judged this person, honestly, for never being able to have a successful social life. Startlingly, he talked about a tenuous plan for marriage and how its more about sacrificing for the other person. Then proceeded to talk about organizing a hangout for the ministry. This person’s main priority was all about what he could give rather than what he could receive, in which the lord would find due delight.
• My father was being oppressive to my mom and I demanded he apologized, leaving fiery words in my wake. God would have it that I would be the one to first feel ashamed, and so therefore I was the first (and only) one to be humbled and apologize for my own sin in using words as a sword rather than a salve (John 18:10). Gah, that wasn’t the original plan doe!

His ways are indeed higher!

Is it maturation

or is it jadedness? I suppose I’m better than where I was this day last year, or even where I was four weeks ago. It’s just that I undeniably feel I have nothing to give to people.

From all outside appearances, however, I am better able to serve. This most clearly shows in the interactions with family and new communities. Perhaps this was the kenosis, or “emptying,” Paul wrote about in Philippians 2:7; self-forgetfulness is the preeminent Christian virtue. So to qualify the earlier statement, I’ve realized there’s nothing in me worth giving. Only Christ.

And I do hope Christ fills the residual emptiness. Christian hope, far from vapid and uncertain, rests in the victory already given.