見證 (粵語)

好似好多喺文革期間長大嘅中國人噉, 我父母使用獨立自主, 自力更生, 懷疑極端思想嘅原則教育我同我個妹。當我長大以後, 通過媒體睇到啲保守派人士嘅種種言論, 我嗰陣時覺得基督教好似同愛無關, 事實搞到好多紛爭。仲有我嗰陣遇到啲去教會嘅人睇落都唔係好好嘅基督徒代表, 佢哋明明咁傷害人, 行為亦好自私。 我嗰陣諗: "呢啲無知嘅行為應該同教會嘅教育有關呀嘛"。

不過而家諗起, 噉睇法其實係為咗證明我自己嘅正義, 顯示我比嗰啲信神嘅人更醒目, 更好。坦白講, 我雖然喺學業上都取得成功, 但係因為呢種得戚, 搞到我喺屋企有好多拗撬。 一方面我覺得我比我父母更了解我應該點樣做, 另一方面我又要佢哋嘅贊同, 喺度搞到不可調和嘅緊張局勢。 結果我做咗自己嘅睇法同第啲人對我睇法嘅雙重奴隸。

幾年過咗, 高四寒假中俾大學錄取之後, 兩位朋友 Sam 同埋 Albert 邀請我去教會, 橫𠶧學習冇壓力咋, 我就應承咗。當我參加禮拜時, 我覺得好奇怪兩個朋友好似真誠相信呢位主。佢哋承認自己唔得, 唔似我鍾意表現自己強。

當日牧師講道嘅信息係關於 "超越人所能理解嘅基督之愛" 同埋 "基督嘅愛係幾咁長闊高深" (弗3:16-19)。講道結束之後, 牧師叫聽眾自己禱告。嗰陣我都係唔熟悉禱告嘅方法, 所以我就喺度低頭反思。

我腦子入面思緒萬千：“呢個上帝已知我同家人嘅關係唔和嘅, 仲有佢都見到我癡迷于自己㗎。係咪我真係關心第哋人啩, 仲係我一切為自己服務啫?“ 過咗一陣靜默之後, 我默禱咗: "神呀, 我終於要同你講話喇。點解我冇搵到任何人可以理解我呀? 點解我努力會導至痛苦呀?” 我認識到我嘅行為咁損害創造我嘅神嘅榮耀, 因為我努力自己要當成咗神。 根據我所造成嘅痛苦, 我本來該得到懲罰。 但係我聽到神講個好消息: 耶穌噉謙卑嚟到世上, 唔單止唔給予我應該受嘅審判, 反而流血喺十字架上嚟買贖我呢個沙塵敗壞嘅人。仲有基督既從死裡復活, 佢就勝過罪同死亡。 所以佢都會俾我得平安。 如果我信佢, 我就俾佢嘅愛充滿, 俾佢做我嘅主, 就唔再係學業成績、父母、甚至我自己嘅期望話事。 喺佢犧牲嘅愛裡我唔再需要其他更貴重嘅嘢。

呢個係一個好消息,唔单止係我有好表現先會被接納。 呢個福音話我一旦接受, 確信無疑, 我會開始過一個被祝福嘅生活。 因為創造宇宙嘅神真係愛我, 所以我而家先可以去經歷平安, 去真正愛人喇。

见证 (国语）

像许多在文革期间长大的中国人一样，我的父母以独立自主，自力更生和怀疑极端思想的原则教育我和我的妹妹。当我长大以后，通过媒体看到的保守派人士的种种言论，我当时觉得基督教似乎与爱无关，倒是导致许多纷争。另外我当时遇到的去教会的人似乎也不是很好的基督徒代表，他们公然地伤害别人，行为也很自私。我当时心想: “这种无知的行为应该与教会的教育有关”。

但现在回想起来，这样看法其实是为了证明我自己的正义，显示我比那些相信神的人更聪明，更好。坦白说，我虽然在学业上也取得成功， 但是因为这种自义，以及由此而来的过度自信导致了我在家里的很多冲突。 一方面我觉得我比我父母更了解我应该怎样做，另一方面我又试图获得他们的赞同，这常常导致不可调和的紧张局势。 结果我成了自己的观点和别人对我的看法的双重奴隶。

几年过了，高四寒假中被大学录取后，两位朋友Sam和Albert邀请我去教会，反正学习没有压力了我就答应了。当我参加礼拜时，我觉得很奇怪两个朋友似乎真诚相信这位主。他们承认自己虚软弱，不像我喜欢表现自己强。

那天牧师讲道的信息是关于“超越人所能理解的基督之爱”和“基督的爱是何等长阔高深”(弗3:16-19)。讲道结束后牧师让听众自己祷告。这时候我还不熟悉祷告的方法，所以我就在那儿低头反思。

我脑子里思绪万千：“这个上帝已知我与家人的关系不和，而他也看到我痴迷于自己。我真的关心别人，还是我一切为自己服务?”过了一阵静默之后我默祷:“神，我终于要跟你说话。为什么我没找任何人能够理解我？为什么我的努力会导致痛苦？”我认识到我的行为多么损害创造我的神的荣耀，因为我努力自己要成为神。按我所造成的痛苦，我本应得到惩罚。但我听到的消息却是: 耶稣谦卑的来到世上，不但不给予我该得的审判，反倒流血在十字架上来买赎我这个骄傲败坏的人。而且基督既从死里复活，他也就胜过罪和死亡。因此他也会能给我平安。假如我相信他，我就被他的爱充满,让他作我的主，而不再是学业成绩、父母、甚至我自己的期望作主。在他牺牲的爱里我不再需要别的更高的东西。

这是好消息，并不是我只有好行为才会被接纳。而这福音则是我早已经被完全地接纳了，并且对自己被接纳的事实确信无疑，我才会开始过一个得祝福的生活。因为创造宇宙的神爱我，所以我现在也才能够经历平安而去真正地爱别人。

People are surprising

Some people are really blowing me away with their patience, nuance, and grace while communicating online. Yes, there are the expected comment section dumpster fires (typically with the brave white Christian who shares to their relatively conservative network). But I'm particularly proud of the Asian Christian brothers and sisters I see taking time and thoughtfulness to engage. 

Here are some examples: 

and

In the vernacular and physical sense, I do not have the time to engage. A part of me wants church leaders to equip people with tools on how to engage online ("how not to take the bait when goaded", "lean towards private conversation", "know when to engage", "know when not to minimize someone's pain, even if misguided"). The internet is a bigger part of people's lives now than "real-life." 

Also, this has been a very clarifying time, a rejuvenating time (but physically exhausting as my sleep is getting messed up). I feel like a Christian again. I'm applying my Christian thinking much more actively in areas of compassion, wisdom, grace, humility, and justice. 

(Very) old racism, new reflections

First things first. Black lives matter. Period. Now..

This is to my Asian Christian guys: how do you feel during this time? I won’t be moralizing or lecturing at you; you can message me directly on your reaction to my reflections.

As depressingly regular as racial tragedies are, like the “natural cycle” of school shootings, I posted *just a wee* bit more on social media this "cycle” because of the high velocity of events. And with that have come some challenges, albeit welcomed challenges and more welcomed lessons.

There are certain Asian archetypes. Going from broad to niche, mine are as follow:

Male -> 

Father ->

Chinese ->

American-born ->

Suburban middle-class ->

Higher education in urban area ->

White-collar ->

Christian -> 

Hobbyist in Hiphop ->

Immigrant parents went to HBCU ->

Lived in West Baltimore as child

Each sub-category comes with its own social circle, sometimes seemingly mutually exclusive in worldview to one another. This became super apparent when a person from my suburban context and people from my urban, POC, and hiphop contexts were arguing about policing. (My original post was resharing account of police use of force on children and residential home areas)

I think with the archetypes I’ve been given, I will not be able to please anyone 100% (that hits on my idol of wanting to be liked). I don’t want to argue online publicly, and instead do things one-to-one, because my Christian ethic values peacemaking and wisdom, instead of fruitless posturing. I don’t want to downplay racism and police brutality (in fact, I want to broadcast) because I value justice.

6/1 EDIT: My saying “I don’t want to argue online publicly” specifically means not having an argument in the comment section. Example here:

I very much want people to reshare/post all the anti-racist resources and accounts they can. But here is where I disagree with some in the social justice cohort -- when they say "you need to cancel your racist friends" "you need to unfriend your racist friends" "you need to embarrass/fold your racist friends."

I don't agree with those statements. That's what I'm trying to convey. I have POC friends that are probably disappointed I didn't blast the white guy in the comments, and I didn't do that because I wanted to engage in a more meaningful way, which I did in DMs. Through DM, this persion actually apologized and we wished each other well, which I thought was God perhaps at work. This is a kind of ministry principle to me, that if the comment section is combative you can't do ministry there. (Not because I'm wise, but opposite, I've made the mistake before.)

Wonder if other Asian Christians of varying overlapping archetypes are trying to figure this out? I’ll be messaging folks in the coming days to think through, but now that that’s done, again, black lives matter.

Freestyle

Child coming up with “rhymes” while singing.

Mom: ♬This old man he played one, he played knick-knacks on my--♬

Son: Foot!

M: This old man he played two, he played knick-knacks on my--

S: Door!

M: “““““three,”“““““--

S: Chest!

M: “““““four,”“““““--

S: baba!

M: “““““five,”“““““--

S: mama!

M: “““““six,”“““““--

S: Ai-jah!

M: “““““seven,”“““““--

S: Pikachu!

M: “““““eight,”“““““--

S: beow-dado!

M: “““““nine,”“““““--

S: Guda!

M: “““““ten,”“““““--

S: Jigae!

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This is not his strongsuit.