Cantonese Practice: Le Petit Prince 7

 

Cantonese Practice: Le Petit Prince 6

 

Chronicling my growing up while learning electric guitar: Asian Kung-Fu Generation

0:00 E 0:39 Kimi no Machi Made 1:17 Siren 2:27 Shindōkaku 3:53 Re:Re: 5:08 Rewrite

Sentimental: Finally. FINALLY. We get to play AKFG. These songs, particularly the Sol-fa album, land right in the 2004 era, but they carry so much farther into the future.

AKFG brings back happy memories of finally finding my footing after moving to Howard County. Making more friends. Relaxing playing Quake. Taking FBLA, ACSL, and Model UN trips. Studying for AP classes at Kevin's house. 

Just sit back and enjoy.

Technical: So why in the beginning did I say "finally"? Because. These are simply perfect songs to play. The riffs are super catchy BUT easy (enough). I don't need to labor over complicated patterns; I just play my heart out. It has been 20 years since these songs came out, but I still listen to them on repeat. So practicing the songs is not a chore, and the payback is more immediate.

The guitar tone is somewhat of a technical mystery. It could be I can't really replicate the BOSS pedals at all octaves, or is it that my guitar is lacking vs. a Les Paul? Whatever it is, I can't find the same grind, overdrive, or distortion that AKFG has without sacrificing the pleasantness of the sound. In a single song I'm vacillating between a British punk stack for chorus chords, and an Octane amp for punchy solos or interludes.

Also, I realized quite late that I fastened my strap backwards. So now. I can put the guitar much lower on my hip, like they do in the music videos. 

Cantonese Practice: Le Petit Prince 5

 

Cantonese Practice: Le Petit Prince 4

 

Chronicling my growing up while learning electric guitar: Late 20s

0:00 Hero by UNLIMITS  0:59 Haruka Kanata from BLEACH ED 28
1:51 Climber from Haikyū!! ED 3
2:58 風箏 by Supper Moment
4:16 無盡 by Supper Moment

Sentimental: Instead of being chronologically linear, I thought it'd be fun to skip around for variation. (And why are the videos filmed in different places in my house? I'm just bored.) So here are some rock songs in the past couple years. 

By this point, I had already moved from NY to MD and had a son, and there really wasn't much time to discover new music. I originally listened to UNLIMITS a lot while heartbroken and depressed over OPIM projects senior year of college, but now the association is much more positive. They're a go-to when I'm pumping myself up to do DIY around the house.

Then the pandemic came, along with some depression (it's one of the main factors I'm now seeing a therapist). But there were still a couple bright spots! There was Haikyu!! (hence Galileo Galilei) and also learning Cantonese.

My Cantonese teacher introduced me to so much awesome modern Hong Kong music, and so it was nice to ground my pandemic soundtrack through this cultural heritage. (There are other great songs too, particularly from Dear Jane, but I think they block even covers of their songs). I basically sing my heart out getting emotional to the Supper Moment songs lol.

In general, with the pandemic being so isolating, it's making me reach back into happy nostalgic memories, hence this entire chronicling exercise. But the reality is, I just can't get those past highs anymore, or maybe I never had them and it's one of those things where, from my Christian worldview, we are nostalgic for eternity and the feeling of a spiritual home. It's a very funny feeling, because sometimes I feel nostalgic to go back to Taiwan, but I'm not Taiwanese and I visited as a tourist ONCE. And yet, my heart yearns to be there like it's homesick lol. 

Technical: Wow my wrist is so awkward in the first UNLIMITS song; I realized I could just lower the guitar to get the fretboard close to my hand, instead of my hands looking like a pterodactyl. 

Also, the Japanese punk tone has less distortion than I thought? For UNLIMITS, a vintage British stack was way closer to the Japanese rock sound than previous attempts with an Octane or American stack. Or I just got lucky.

I'm starting to notice the value of the pickup position: closer to fretboard when doing single note solos, farther for power chords.

Chronicling my growing up while learning electric guitar: Middle School 2003

0:00 - Engel by Rammstein
0:40 - Adam’s Song by blink-182
1:18 - Holding On by Pillar
2:08 - Crawling in the Dark by Hoobastank
3:19 - Faint by Linkin Park

Sentimental: Love live nu-metal! Japanese songs I discovered on my lonesome, but Western rock music was shared with me by friends!

Just kidding. I listened to these songs by myself too, coupled with anime music videos. But s'ok, I’ll share the songs I got from friends once I made them later on, but for now we’re still in middle school. I still get an excited feeling listening to these songs, because I see them in my mind backing all sorts of sakuga-level anime scenes. I only know this blink-182 song from a pretty well-done Kenshin music video on shonenanime.com, with the site itself being my fundamental source of music discovery.

TBH the Pillar song was introduced by a friend! Ben C was nice enough to invite me to a LAN party, and there I listened to Andrew H’s CD which happened to have this song. I must have listened to it 100 times that night, it was so catchy.

And Linkin Park songs still carried over long after middle school for me, because of the different remixes that exist for breakbeats used in bboying that I started in high school.

Technical: This is the first time I failed to complete the assignment. The fast rhythmic palm mutes in Rammstein are deceptively hard. I recorded an earlier version with them, but it neither sounded nor looked good, so I figured what’s the point. And for Hoobastank, it’s just gonna be bar chords for me, dawg. I wonder how professionals have that level of speed and precision.

In general, drop C tuning just makes everything sound seriously fun. It was very hard to make the Pillar song sound bad. For Hoobastank, I didn’t bother trying to get the tone of the echo delay guitar; there’ll be plenty of time for that doing Ling Tosite songs. Just having a swell time with the song’s bridge in the meanwhile.

Cantonese Practice: Le Petit Prince 3

 

Chronicling my growing up while learning electric guitar: Middle School 2002

0:00 - Sk8er Boi
0:17 - Storm Eagle from Megaman X
0:35 - One More Time from Megaman X3
1:05 - Opening from Megaman X5
1:21 - Lazy Mind from Megaman X7
1:41 - Over Shine by Rina Aiuchi

I picked up electric guitar at the beginning of this year! bc #omicron. As I learn, I'll have sentimental and technical reflections in parallel.

Sentimental: The soundtrack of my life has a lot of branches, ranging from funk, electronic, pop (OK not really that much range), but I think at my core it's pop rock, alternative, and punk rock that animate me, bordering the language of "it defines me."

I fully accept this stems from being a complete anime weeb, and I think I can trace this back to my parents playing Teresa Tang in the car when we were kids, where she sang a lot of Japanese melodies with Chinese lyrics.

There were certainly different childhood influences that I may cover in a later post, but we'll use Avril Lavigne as a starting place since we listened to her a lot at Linda Y's house over the summer. Sadly though, middle school overall was a lonely time when we moved away from my childhood friends.

In this void, one of my escapes-turned-obsessions was Megaman. Some of my best friends don't even know, but Megaman was a big part of my childhood. I'm surprised I didn't include songs from the Zero series, which were my favorite -- perhaps for another post. The last song by Rina Aiuchi is a foreshadowing of all the J-pop and J-rock that is to come in the following years.

Technical: Ben S pointed this out to me: the Squier Telecaster is a low-end guitar with scratchy, single coil pickup with distortion but .. it's so pretty!!

I would say the electric guitar subculture is super gatekeeping, and not just with the hardware barrier to entry. Access to DAWs, digital amplifiers, and pedals is hidden behind virus-laden websites or paywalls, with super complicated installation and setup. And then the pretentious attitudes in general (goodness help you if you're in a forum and ask how to get Avril Lavigne's tone). All can be super discouraging for a starting hobbyist.

Imagine my sheer delight to discover Apple's Garageband as a free, super-intuitive DAW preloaded with hundreds of effects. I hate to admit it, but this may be the single reason I buy Macbooks for the rest of my life. This has saved me hundreds of hours of scouring for terrible DAWs and effects, while getting started and actually playing guitar songs immediately.

In my youtube video descriptions, I'll be writing down the settings I used for tone. This is another gatekeeping aspect: unlike in the coding community where you have open repositories or Terraform templates, I am unaware of any all-in-one packages for guitar/music production, where you take an artifact and immediately have the exact same tone settings as another player. 

Cantonese Practice: Le Petit Prince 2

 

Cantonese Practice: 粮食浪费指数 Food Waste Index

 

Cantonese practice: 飯寶嘅泡泡糖奇遇記

 from Youtuber MtzCherry

Cantonese practice: Self-introduction

 

Cantonese practice: Le Petit Prince 1

 

Cantonese practice: Testimony

reading from this

Mandarin practice: Testimony

 

Since I’m externally motivated, and with delta (plus a hurricane now?) narrowing the field of things I can do, I’ll post recordings of Chinese reading practice. The calculus is as follows: posting on Facebook, IG, or Twitter is too public, and spamming my friends & family group chats is too spammy. So these will land on the blog, a fitting capsule for different phases of my life anyhow.

reading from this

mindfulness

I had this moment after a counseling session where dots finally connected. My therapist has been recommending a mix of, one, doing activities unburdened by responsibility (time off, non-family hangouts), and two, pausing during the day to be mindful (I think "mindful" is a fancy way of saying "be present"). Then I later thought to myself, "What if those two things actually operate the same way?"

The first category suggests that humans crave new experiences, mystery, and adventure, and much of modern unhappiness stems from our finding artificial ways to pump dopamine, through videos and feeds, to less and less effect. It's the reason why when I went back to the office after a year, poring through my emails became a much more enthralling and delightful thing, just by changing the scene.

The second category of "mindful" practices, from what I understand, involves training the mind to be completely engaged in the present. If you're eating, take in every taste and texture (so eat slowly). If you're walking, before absentmindedly listening to a podcast, first appreciate the surrounding nature and architecture and all it took to make those things come to be. If you're breathing, notice your chest expanding and the air cycling through your nose. It's sort of like being a kid again.

Now my theory is that, practically, the first category of doing exciting things pretty much lends itself to being more mindful. That is, when you're doing something new, you're naturally just much more present. You're more likely to take time and enjoy the sights when commuting in a new city, whereas a dulled local pays no mind anymore. And since it's much harder nowadays to do particularly exciting things (safely), is the takeaway then to simulate a sense of new wonder in routine things?

I tried today, and to a degree it works. My errands seemed less hurried and more relaxed. I let go of future problems, which tend to establish themselves prematurely in my brain.

It's better than the converse: constantly chasing exciting new stimuli. That obviously doesn't scale. Here's an old Instastory when I was traveling; restless and unable to sit still, I found myself *bored* trying to absorb 4 programs at once.

Even without travel, I'm not at a particularly better spot at the moment. A weird thing about quarantine is that, out of a pathological desire to not be bored, I've produced a robust catalog of dozens of activities and goals to keep me busy. But by chasing the stimuli and not savoring the process, the terribly irony is I'm quite bored with all of them.

Tangential NYT article: Feeling Blah During the Pandemic? It's Called Languishing

Recent things that have been good for me

Spring weather

Taking walks enjoying the blossoms

Getting taxes over with

My son enrolling in special education

Reaching out generally to more people for my son

Getting a leftover dose of J&J

Frequent PTO

Anthony Bradley's podcast

Men's group at church

Saying "I love you" to other men

Therapy

DIY home fixes

Neighbor auntie cooking us dinners

Family fun with Pokemon Stadium

COVID + frequent winter storms = cooped inside for long periods of time with a toddler. The principle shifts from “no screen time” to “what quality of screen time?”

Well, I’ve found Pokemon Stadium (N64 ROM via Google TV) to be a good after-dinner family activity for the following reasons:

• It’s easy. No advanced reflexes are required like sidescrollers, RPGs, or even puzzle games like Tetris. You can take your sweet time deciding your next move (of which there are only 4), and it’s nothing more complicated than beating down the other opponent’s health.
  
  
• It’s interactive. The whole family gets involved deciding what’s the next move, or what Pokemon to choose, so lots of opportunity for a child to input towards a shared goal.
  
  
• Learn English. “Agility,” “seismic toss,” “super effective,” “supersonic.” The usage of these words isn’t complicated, but they are still animated in engaging ways to give someone a sense of what the words mean.
  
  
• Learn math. The HPs have some decently-sized numbers as the levels get higher. Pokemon in the end is about math and how to get the biggest attacks, so lots of good math conversation.
  
  
• Learn science. Use electricity to beat water. Use ground to take down electricity. Use psychic against ghosts in your house (..?). Life skills here.
  
  
• It’s fun. My wife and I also get really into it, because there’s a good mix of luck and strategy. And the characters are cute, which kids like.

見證 (粵語)

好似好多喺文革期間長大嘅中國人噉, 我父母使用獨立自主, 自力更生, 懷疑極端思想嘅原則教育我同我個妹。當我長大以後, 通過媒體睇到啲保守派人士嘅種種言論, 我嗰陣時覺得基督教好似同愛無關, 事實搞到好多紛爭。仲有我嗰陣遇到啲去教會嘅人睇落都唔係好好嘅基督徒代表, 佢哋明明咁傷害人, 行為亦好自私。 我嗰陣諗: "呢啲無知嘅行為應該同教會嘅教育有關呀嘛"。

不過而家諗起, 噉睇法其實係為咗證明我自己嘅正義, 顯示我比嗰啲信神嘅人更醒目, 更好。坦白講, 我雖然喺學業上都取得成功, 但係因為呢種得戚, 搞到我喺屋企有好多拗撬。 一方面我覺得我比我父母更了解我應該點樣做, 另一方面我又要佢哋嘅贊同, 喺度搞到不可調和嘅緊張局勢。 結果我做咗自己嘅睇法同第啲人對我睇法嘅雙重奴隸。

幾年過咗, 高四寒假中俾大學錄取之後, 兩位朋友 Sam 同埋 Albert 邀請我去教會, 橫𠶧學習冇壓力咋, 我就應承咗。當我參加禮拜時, 我覺得好奇怪兩個朋友好似真誠相信呢位主。佢哋承認自己唔得, 唔似我鍾意表現自己強。

當日牧師講道嘅信息係關於 "超越人所能理解嘅基督之愛" 同埋 "基督嘅愛係幾咁長闊高深" (弗3:16-19)。講道結束之後, 牧師叫聽眾自己禱告。嗰陣我都係唔熟悉禱告嘅方法, 所以我就喺度低頭反思。

我腦子入面思緒萬千：“呢個上帝已知我同家人嘅關係唔和嘅, 仲有佢都見到我癡迷于自己㗎。係咪我真係關心第哋人啩, 仲係我一切為自己服務啫?“ 過咗一陣靜默之後, 我默禱咗: "神呀, 我終於要同你講話喇。點解我冇搵到任何人可以理解我呀? 點解我努力會導至痛苦呀?” 我認識到我嘅行為咁損害創造我嘅神嘅榮耀, 因為我努力自己要當成咗神。 根據我所造成嘅痛苦, 我本來該得到懲罰。 但係我聽到神講個好消息: 耶穌噉謙卑嚟到世上, 唔單止唔給予我應該受嘅審判, 反而流血喺十字架上嚟買贖我呢個沙塵敗壞嘅人。仲有基督既從死裡復活, 佢就勝過罪同死亡。 所以佢都會俾我得平安。 如果我信佢, 我就俾佢嘅愛充滿, 俾佢做我嘅主, 就唔再係學業成績、父母、甚至我自己嘅期望話事。 喺佢犧牲嘅愛裡我唔再需要其他更貴重嘅嘢。

呢個係一個好消息,唔单止係我有好表現先會被接納。 呢個福音話我一旦接受, 確信無疑, 我會開始過一個被祝福嘅生活。 因為創造宇宙嘅神真係愛我, 所以我而家先可以去經歷平安, 去真正愛人喇。

见证 (国语）

像许多在文革期间长大的中国人一样，我的父母以独立自主，自力更生和怀疑极端思想的原则教育我和我的妹妹。当我长大以后，通过媒体看到的保守派人士的种种言论，我当时觉得基督教似乎与爱无关，倒是导致许多纷争。另外我当时遇到的去教会的人似乎也不是很好的基督徒代表，他们公然地伤害别人，行为也很自私。我当时心想: “这种无知的行为应该与教会的教育有关”。

但现在回想起来，这样看法其实是为了证明我自己的正义，显示我比那些相信神的人更聪明，更好。坦白说，我虽然在学业上也取得成功， 但是因为这种自义，以及由此而来的过度自信导致了我在家里的很多冲突。 一方面我觉得我比我父母更了解我应该怎样做，另一方面我又试图获得他们的赞同，这常常导致不可调和的紧张局势。 结果我成了自己的观点和别人对我的看法的双重奴隶。

几年过了，高四寒假中被大学录取后，两位朋友Sam和Albert邀请我去教会，反正学习没有压力了我就答应了。当我参加礼拜时，我觉得很奇怪两个朋友似乎真诚相信这位主。他们承认自己虚软弱，不像我喜欢表现自己强。

那天牧师讲道的信息是关于“超越人所能理解的基督之爱”和“基督的爱是何等长阔高深”(弗3:16-19)。讲道结束后牧师让听众自己祷告。这时候我还不熟悉祷告的方法，所以我就在那儿低头反思。

我脑子里思绪万千：“这个上帝已知我与家人的关系不和，而他也看到我痴迷于自己。我真的关心别人，还是我一切为自己服务?”过了一阵静默之后我默祷:“神，我终于要跟你说话。为什么我没找任何人能够理解我？为什么我的努力会导致痛苦？”我认识到我的行为多么损害创造我的神的荣耀，因为我努力自己要成为神。按我所造成的痛苦，我本应得到惩罚。但我听到的消息却是: 耶稣谦卑的来到世上，不但不给予我该得的审判，反倒流血在十字架上来买赎我这个骄傲败坏的人。而且基督既从死里复活，他也就胜过罪和死亡。因此他也会能给我平安。假如我相信他，我就被他的爱充满,让他作我的主，而不再是学业成绩、父母、甚至我自己的期望作主。在他牺牲的爱里我不再需要别的更高的东西。

这是好消息，并不是我只有好行为才会被接纳。而这福音则是我早已经被完全地接纳了，并且对自己被接纳的事实确信无疑，我才会开始过一个得祝福的生活。因为创造宇宙的神爱我，所以我现在也才能够经历平安而去真正地爱别人。

People are surprising

Some people are really blowing me away with their patience, nuance, and grace while communicating online. Yes, there are the expected comment section dumpster fires (typically with the brave white Christian who shares to their relatively conservative network). But I'm particularly proud of the Asian Christian brothers and sisters I see taking time and thoughtfulness to engage. 

Here are some examples: 

and

In the vernacular and physical sense, I do not have the time to engage. A part of me wants church leaders to equip people with tools on how to engage online ("how not to take the bait when goaded", "lean towards private conversation", "know when to engage", "know when not to minimize someone's pain, even if misguided"). The internet is a bigger part of people's lives now than "real-life." 

Also, this has been a very clarifying time, a rejuvenating time (but physically exhausting as my sleep is getting messed up). I feel like a Christian again. I'm applying my Christian thinking much more actively in areas of compassion, wisdom, grace, humility, and justice. 

(Very) old racism, new reflections

First things first. Black lives matter. Period. Now..

This is to my Asian Christian guys: how do you feel during this time? I won’t be moralizing or lecturing at you; you can message me directly on your reaction to my reflections.

As depressingly regular as racial tragedies are, like the “natural cycle” of school shootings, I posted *just a wee* bit more on social media this "cycle” because of the high velocity of events. And with that have come some challenges, albeit welcomed challenges and more welcomed lessons.

There are certain Asian archetypes. Going from broad to niche, mine are as follow:

Male -> 

Father ->

Chinese ->

American-born ->

Suburban middle-class ->

Higher education in urban area ->

White-collar ->

Christian -> 

Hobbyist in Hiphop ->

Immigrant parents went to HBCU ->

Lived in West Baltimore as child

Each sub-category comes with its own social circle, sometimes seemingly mutually exclusive in worldview to one another. This became super apparent when a person from my suburban context and people from my urban, POC, and hiphop contexts were arguing about policing. (My original post was resharing account of police use of force on children and residential home areas)

I think with the archetypes I’ve been given, I will not be able to please anyone 100% (that hits on my idol of wanting to be liked). I don’t want to argue online publicly, and instead do things one-to-one, because my Christian ethic values peacemaking and wisdom, instead of fruitless posturing. I don’t want to downplay racism and police brutality (in fact, I want to broadcast) because I value justice.

6/1 EDIT: My saying “I don’t want to argue online publicly” specifically means not having an argument in the comment section. Example here:

I very much want people to reshare/post all the anti-racist resources and accounts they can. But here is where I disagree with some in the social justice cohort -- when they say "you need to cancel your racist friends" "you need to unfriend your racist friends" "you need to embarrass/fold your racist friends."

I don't agree with those statements. That's what I'm trying to convey. I have POC friends that are probably disappointed I didn't blast the white guy in the comments, and I didn't do that because I wanted to engage in a more meaningful way, which I did in DMs. Through DM, this persion actually apologized and we wished each other well, which I thought was God perhaps at work. This is a kind of ministry principle to me, that if the comment section is combative you can't do ministry there. (Not because I'm wise, but opposite, I've made the mistake before.)

Wonder if other Asian Christians of varying overlapping archetypes are trying to figure this out? I’ll be messaging folks in the coming days to think through, but now that that’s done, again, black lives matter.

Freestyle

Child coming up with “rhymes” while singing.

Mom: ♬This old man he played one, he played knick-knacks on my--♬

Son: Foot!

M: This old man he played two, he played knick-knacks on my--

S: Door!

M: “““““three,”“““““--

S: Chest!

M: “““““four,”“““““--

S: baba!

M: “““““five,”“““““--

S: mama!

M: “““““six,”“““““--

S: Ai-jah!

M: “““““seven,”“““““--

S: Pikachu!

M: “““““eight,”“““““--

S: beow-dado!

M: “““““nine,”“““““--

S: Guda!

M: “““““ten,”“““““--

S: Jigae!

-------------------

This is not his strongsuit.

love letter to new york

to which you’d say, like the guy I’m sitting next to in this organic burger joint: “IDGAF bout your stupid bitchass letter” (this is the clean ver)

here goes.

Come off the plane in Newark, not too cold! Thanks ny metro carbon cover :)

Lyft driver clearly gouging me going through staten island/bklyn route so I report this dude and get him offed the lyft community before we get to Chelsea while I’m still in the car.

New York, you are frozen in a time capsule. Some things refuse to be gentrified. my go-to 99cent pizza hideout, clearly engaging in money laundering, is still around! rejoice!!

I love how tons of places are still open so I can grab this second dinner. Wanted Japanese with the 90s rnb but alas had more seating to charge my stuff here. 

Can’t wait to get on the subway to metrotech rushing from meeting to meeting. For now will be taking a slumber amidst the heap.

Love you!

you know what's funny?

When things are chill and happy at home, we are usually talking to our son in Chinese. But when things escalate and I'm reaching my limit, I seem to have no choice but to voice my frustration in English.

Which is like, exactly what my parents did (in reverse). Speaking English during peacetime, blowing up in Chinese when it's hitting the fan.

This thought tickles me a lot.

spoiled

A lot of times the portraits of grace that are (rightly) elevated are those where through trial and hardship, someone is able to lean on God and find comfort and persevere.

My experience has been not one of suffering but of regular distractions. I have loved moving back to Maryland, then I got consumed with being a new parent, and arguably got more consumed by getting my dream job.

In each case I let that thing be my identity and worth. Doing so didn't lead to great outcomes. I turn back to God only after being burnt out and disappointed. I didn’t maintain faithful discipleship nor wanted to.

God is very sweet to me in his grace and welcoming. He does not change.

My first open source project

I recently pushed a project to the official Google Github page.

This year has been a transition from advisory work (powerpoints and excels) to something much more technical. Not a big deal to my peers in the same field, but I'm marking it as a personal milestone.

As for what the code does, it finds files in Google Drive that were just made visible across the domain, e.g., "Anyone at company.com with the link can view/edit [this file]," and then removes that visibility.

Open to contributions and pull requests! We just have a contributor license agreement and you're good to go :) https://cla.developers.google.com/

"If truth doesn’t decide who’s right and who’s wrong…it will be power [that decides]."

— Abdu Murray

epiphany

I am such a jaded curmudgeon and I feel a large part is because I don’t have role models to look up to anymore.

Some of it is the directional aspect. I have achieved everything I wanted in life. My sights weren’t lofty (clearly) but I’ve checked all the boxes. It seems the more comfortable and stable my life is, the angrier and more frustrated a person I become.

Of course, role models have a relational aspect. I haven’t really built back up my network since moving to MD. I had more older Asian male friends back in NYC who I respected a lot. I wish race wasn’t that important but how can it not in the era of identity.

I am reaching out through different avenues. I need someone who understands my worldview to help me navigate this, a tall order. It’s probable this is what every adult feels. That kinda sucks.

I can’t optimize God out of my life

The credit card points are great but I end up blowing them on traffic camera tickets.

Paying property taxes online is really convenient unless I pay it on the wrong property.

Giving my best presentation but for the wrong audience stifles my sense of accomplishment.

All the best parenting materials don’t seem to help when I end up surrendering to frustration at my don’t-know-any-better toddler.

Getting extra sleep sometimes, but doesn’t always, save me from random grogginess.

I don’t know why I think I can solve everything when it seems pretty clear I can’t solve most things. Jesus prods and lets me know I can’t do a single thing without him.

Bboy Fashion

So I just got delivered these nice vintage Adidas windbreaker pants - and it was merriment for all of 6 minutes before I realized I didn’t have any matching Adidas shoes.

You see, in bboying, a rule they tell you is to “dress fresh,” which has come to mean “dress in matching brands.” In the beginning this made sense to me, but now I have a few pushbacks:

1. This is expression-insensitive. If dancing is about expression, putting a conforming element on it works the other way.
   
2. This could be body-insensitive. My feet are made for Nike but my body maybe for some other brands.
   
3. This could be financially-insensitive. In order to have matching head-to-toe, that could easily cost over a hundred, if not hundreds. For an activity that gets your clothes dirty!! It makes no sense for those who have hard budgets.

Hiphop/bboying has a lot of diverse factions within it – mentality-wise people are on a spectrum of conservative to progressive. I’m a smattering in-between depending on the topic (e.g., balance, forms, culture, etc. etc.).

People Can Change

I think it’s imperative that in order to believe in a better tomorrow, you must believe that people can change (the growing challenge now in hoping the future is better). Just thinking about my own journey, I used to:

• be racist making fun of other races -- now, though not perfectly, I give utmost respect to every culture especially those disenfranchised;
• protest affirmative action – now I support it;
• think conservatives were idiots – now I feel genuine conservatives offer valuable input to society (while self-identified liberals hold conservative beliefs without knowing);
• be into politics in order to look down on others – then I was apathetic – and now I’m into it for the pursuit of equity;
• be a skeptical atheist – now I’m an enthusiastic Protestant;
• resent learning Chinese – now I’m committed to getting it;
• think myself the victim – now I’m aware more and more of pain I’ve caused people in the past.

I’m sure people will not like all these changes, but the fact is I’m different from my past self. Satan loves nothing better than for us to give into labeling and caricaturizing each other, where in reality we’re all complex, ever-morphing onions.

Someone once said beliefs can be changed provided 1) someone is intellectually convinced, 2) emotionally stirred, and 3) given the social space to practice and live out those beliefs. May we strive to minister good holistically.

Embarrassing Nostalgia

As my parents are cleaning up their house in preparing to move to their dream home (just down the street lol), my sister forwards me this little piece of history.

I really resented this backpack. The “Victory U.S.A.” clearly shows this wasn’t made in the USA. I simply didn’t have the social tools during my childhood to deflect the insecurity.

Maybe it’s a loss that my kid will not go through this degree of socio-cultural tension, that maybe he’ll lose the opportunity to empathize with the awkward/misfit. Or it’s too early to say.

Institutional Forgiveness

I wonder how people wronged by systemic injustice learn to forgive those oppressors, if they do. Like what should they do: seek resolution with the leader(s) of those guilty associations? Are the members of the group also held culpable? Make the reconciliation private, or announce publicly for the benefit of a group of victims?

Though terrible in scope and degree of destruction, institutional wrongdoing is biblically accounted for: the fall of humanity logically necessitates the fall of institutions. This simple fact is important but not always fully recognized.

So what of forgiving these institutions? Granted, different situations will require different approaches. Putting my counseling hat on, an ideal way would be personal and face-to-face, all parties acknowledging the fault committed and the appropriate restitution. This way, the victim(s)’s hearts aren’t prolongingly hardened against the one-dimensional oppressor in their mind. Indeed, the temptation to objectify institutions into cold caricatures explains why activism, with all its merits and drawbacks, can be so impassioned.

But wrongs need to be made public and acknowledged, right? Companies or countries need to be genuinely grieved by their actions! I don’t think this point can be overstated. Special committees and tribunals an apology does not make. Germany enjoys a reputation for being a leading, liberal democracy with most of its citizens deeply remorseful of WWII. In contrast, public opinions from Japanese citizens and their leaders don’t seem to display this remorse, and so would-be partners in the region will always hold this grudge.

What about suffering that is so complex and multifaceted? Who apologizes for the 2008 financial crisis? Partial apologies have been submitted by lenders, Fannie, Freddie, Congress, and Greenspan, but the blame really gets distributed widely, and so does the lingering suffering. And when the restitution consists of propping up powerful multinational companies instead of consumer-friendly mortgage relief policies (not that that was completely wrong but the optics weren’t good), one easily sees why trust and confidence in our institutions are at a record-low.

Going back to my original questions of how to reconcile/vindicate (the mechanics)…that’s intimidating in itself. There’s the actual harm inflicted, but then seeking justice creates another burden. Oppressed people don’t have the capital or leverage to fight their case effectively; they can’t afford to split time being an activist/self-lawyer and supporting themselves. My head hurts, but there appears to be no shortage of need for prayer.

EDIT: I just remembered my main impetus for writing this came from trying to understand why any black person would want to be in my denomination given the extremely racist origins (background information). That goes for a lot of things..public housing, police and criminal justice, education, media and entertainment, the list goes on and on… and I wonder just how they go on living normal lives when everything is perpetual PTSD. The courage of black people astounds me.

Backhand comments from work

“So when do you actually plan on remediating this?”

“We’re having trouble scoping this because we need to find an area where there are no known problems.”

“Are you guys planning on walking at this pace for the remainder of the trip? I’m asking because I may need to go faster.”

for the nostalgia

*writing while listening to La La Land, the ostensible nostalgia movie*
Strictly my own opinions --

Childhood bands that have gotten bad

• Relient K: infectious riffs turned vanilla riffs
• Linkin Park: stopped incorporating hip-hop sampling, so the energy and edginess is lost. Now very poopy
• Anberlin: got too new-age-y
• Flyleaf: I was borderline on this, but losing the lead singer will do it
• ONE OK ROCK: western-style sound engineering forced the drummer to overcompensate with more high hat over increased bass. Messy now, and overall sold out
• So-so in descending order Rise Against, The Killers, Starship Cobra

Bands that stopped in time before they got bad

• System of a Down
• Mae
• Daphne Loves Derby
• The Academy Is..
• Last Winter: it's a newer band, I know, but they put out good albums then stopped. Same with Search the City

Bands that stayed good

• Switchfoot
• Fall Out Boy
• Muse
• Mutemath
• Maroon 5: arguably
• Rise Against: changed my mind while writing
• The All-American Rejects: surprisingly
• John Mayer: doesn't count as a band, but much timeless

What do you guys think? Any bands I missed?

祝福

主，感谢你赐给我们儿子, 感谢你的恩典满足了他初生几日的需求。初生的这些天里，他带了欢乐，也时儿让我们焦虑和当心，不知所措。他是奇妙的礼物, 我们将尽职尽责好好带大培养他。

当然, 我对他有不凡但又现实的梦想。我希望他善良，希望他爱神和他的同伴邻居，我祈盼他做大丈夫并能收留异乡人。

在你的引导下，请帮助 Lucy和我，让我们庆祝所有的突破，祈祷去战胜困难。帮我们给他选个中文名子。亲属们都说一家人全部都上调了一级, 而我渴望的则是基督被最尊崇！

Gospel-centered Chinese resources 以福音为中心的资源

Amazing site, particularly looking at the Biblical Counseling section on the left (bottom of the page on mobile). 请您过目.

I think a non-Chinese runs the site because the English is too good and the Chinese is suspect? Someone want to confirm who may be behind this?

Why do we resent God?

The answer to this could take many forms depending on the person, but let’s look at Paul:

8 But sin, seizing an opportunity through the commandment, produced in me all kinds of covetousness…10 The very commandment that promised life proved to be death to me. (Romans 7:8,10)

Here we see Paul, then Saul, actually coveting obedience to God, making that an end in itself. It wouldn’t be hard to imagine him looking down on others’ lack of zeal, and conversely, start resenting God when things didn’t pan out right in light of his obedience. Apart from knowledge in Christ (Romans 10:2-3), this zeal for God will ultimately, and ironically, cause one to hate God thus leading to death.

We all have a bit of legalism in us. Whenever we fail God too often we think “need to read more Bible, pray longer, ___ more.” We don’t really believe in our removed condemnation (Romans 8:1). And when we forget that love, we will resent God when we follow the law because our obedience won’t come from freedom and pleasure but pride and fear of punishment.

From April 2016 TableTalk (J.D. Greear) and August 21, 2011 Renewal Presby. sermon (Dwight Yoo)

On prayer

“It is possible for a Christian to be perfectly orthodox and yet to be defeated, and to be living a defeated and a useless life.”
– Martyn Lloyd-Jones

“Not to want to pray, then, is the sin behind sin. And it ends in not being able to pray. That is its punishment — spiritual dumbness, or at least aphasia, and starvation. We do not take our spiritual food, and so we falter, dwindle, and die. ‘In the sweat of your brow ye shall eat your bread.’”
– P. T. Forsyth

From May 10, 2015 sermon, Renewal Presby.

Freaks Alum vs. Students Battle (edit)

Clips from Freaks of the Beat reunion. Edited out Alex’s burns..

Full clip: https://youtu.be/km8B_Jm6WRo

Video credit: Chi Tu

Chinese churches in America

Thankful for the past weekend of catching up with old friends. A brother recently wrote about a particular burden of his:

“In my personal experience in the DMV area, Chinese-American or Asian-American churches are either:

1) Family Churches
2) Just YA’s / Single’s / Young couples

Young Adult’s ministries are either thriving, dying, or non-existent. Praying for more churches with solid inter-generational fellowship.“

There could be, in the same way second-generation Asians are trying to navigate and define their standing in the mainstream culture, a spiritual parallel of identity-seeking that causes this disconnect within the second-generation church with respect to fellowshipping across generations.

To the praise and glory of our God, there are a couple examples where this true inter-generation fellowship and love occurs, albeit with specifically 1.5-generation and primarily Chinese-speaking members. One comes out of a city church where the leadership holds deep convictions about manifesting God’s covenant to his people – think children sitting through the entire service and young adults actively serving the disabled and elderly. Another example comes from a selfless, sacrificial love on the part of some young adults in a suburban context, where that environment costs them career and social advantages.

Both were Chinese churches, one presbyterian and the other non-denominational (baptist), yet both saw how desperately they needed each other for the sake of their own discipleship with Christ (Acts 2:44). Even more ideal would be the marriage of the best of these two theological traditions: a deep covenantal commitment to each and every member (Hebrews 10:24-25) while each one heeds the call to diligently strive for individual holiness (Colossians 1:29).

The potential perspectives and gifts that could be shared across generations simply blows the mind. Thank you again for the brothers who hold this vision by the Spirit.

One reaps what they sow, always

All of human existence can be summed in Galatians 6:7-8. 

If you spend just a little time on something, that thing will start to fester inside of you. People may deny it, but what you consume (movies and music) or fantasize about (an idea or a person) will deeply shape your character. 

Even if what you're doing is mindless, the eventual result is you'll be a mindless person. Working and talking with people without an interest in either the work or the people. Watching series on Netflix or endless entertainment on Youtube. 

There's no such thing as a standalone thought. Decisions aren't made in a vacuum. What you feed will only grow. God is not mocked, that is, you can trick yourself but you can't trick God.

And there is the (potentially hopeful) converse: what you starve will not grow. Avoiding violent and irreverent media makes one dignified. Refusing temptation and curbing bad habits simply makes one a self-controlled person.

We hear the continual refrain to set our minds in a particular way (Colossians 3:2, Titus 3:8, Philippians 4:8, Romans 12:2). There is divine wisdom here, because the war of the mind is the war for everything. 

Hospitality is defined as “love for strangers.”

Ecclesiology/Soteriology #n

“As a new Christian, Drew seemed to have an insatiable love for the things of the Lord. He could not find enough Bible studies. He got as many Christian books as he could get his hands on. He took copious notes during every sermon. His presence seemed to open and close every gathering of his church.

Now five years later, Drew seems to be a different man. The sermon notebook doesn’t accompany him to worship anymore. He seldom attends the gatherings of his small group. He barely has enough time to have a brief moment of worship before he starts his day. 

What happened to Drew? The same thing that happens to many believers. Drew came to Christ as a lonely young man. Although he did not know it, his enthusiasm for the gospel was not about the grace and glory of Christ. No, in the church, Drew found the circle of friends he had always longed to have. In the church, Drew had found a family. And while that is very good, the spiritual problem was that the end (a love relationship with Christ) had functionally become the means to another end (acceptance with a family of people). Big kingdom glories were a way to experience little kingdom treasures.

And these relationships with sinners proved to be flawed, as they always will be this side of heaven. Eventually, Drew’s growing lack of enthusiasm for the gospel revealed that his excitement about his newfound faith was simply was kingdom of self dressed up in the costume of the kingdom of God.”

– Paul Tripp, Chapter 6 of A Quest for More: Living for Something Bigger than You

Ecclesiology Revisited #13

“None of us ever gets to be in a relationship with a finished person [read: Jesus]. God’s redemptive work of change is ongoing in all our lives.

…

When I fail to worship God as Savior, I am too casual about my sin and too focused on yours … When you are sinned against, you will be impacted by the weaknesses and failures of that other person. When this happens, you need to allow God to use you as an instrument in his redemptive hands, rather than seeking to make changes in the other person yourself.”

–Tim Lane, Chapter 6 of Relationships: A Mess Worth Making

“Innumerable times a whole Christian community has broken down because it had sprung from a wish dream. The serious Christian, set down for the first time in a Christian community, is likely to bring with him a very definite idea of what Christian life together should be and to try to realize it.

…

Every human wish dream that is injected into the Christian community is a hindrance to genuine community and must be banished if genuine community is to survive. He who loves his dream of a community more than the Christian community itself becomes a destroyer of the latter, even though his personal intentions may be ever so honest and earnest and sacrificial.

God hates visionary dreaming; it makes the dreamer proud and pretentious. The man who fashions a visionary ideal of community demands that it be realized by God, by others, and by himself. He enters the community of Christians with his demands, sets up his own law, and judges the brethren and God Himself accordingly. He stands adamant, a living reproach to all others in the circle of brethren. He acts as if he is the creator of the Christian community, as if his dream binds men together.”

– Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Chapter 1 of Life Together

Ecclesiology #14

It is through the messiness of relationships, and not in in spite of, where God works. Idols are exposed and people change.

Bonhoeffer on the Christian’s call to action

Finished reading Renate Wind’s biography on Dietrich Bonhoeffer, whose life and mind are so complex that they stumble the modern reader attempting to caricature him in either conservative or liberal frames. In contrast to a recent biographical work by Eric Metaxas, Wind’s take has a liberal bent (consistent with the observation that she herself is a female pastor).

There has been criticism lodged at Metaxas for attempting to superimpose the American right-wing agenda on Bonhoeffer’s perceived beliefs on Christian ethics and relationship with government. I also hold reservations on whether Bonhoeffer would consider himself aligned with political conservatism -- if not merely due to the lack of compassion it has often presented itself with in the culture wars.

During the end of his life, he expressed reluctance to lord religion and insert the name of God into all issues (even in cases of Christian encouragement of comfort!) precisely because he wanted to so exalt the name of God and prevent the name from being stained as it was by the Nazi-supported Protestant church. Sounds familiar now with the public’s resentment of prayers offered without the corresponding action. If there has been any action, it’s a Christian university president calling on his students to resort to violence.

Bonhoeffer’s disdain for the church losing her way is reflected in this quote:

“Our church, which over these years has fought only for its self-preservation as though that were an end in itself, is incapable of being the vehicle of the reconciling and redeeming word for human beings and the world. So the former words must become powerless and fall silent, and our being Christians today must consist of two things: in praying and doing what is right among men.”

For Bonhoeffer, prayer and action were two sides of the same coin. He wanted to live and act “as if there were no God,” at least not the God that relieved him of acting. Because if Christians were to start doing those activities of compassion and loving our enemies, we would find ourselves a lot closer to God in desperate prayer.

“That is the capitulation of church to politics!”

– Dietrich Bonhoeffer, said of Protestant church groups who did not openly repudiate fascist policy during Nazi rule.

Bonhoeffer, among other liberal or non-reformed Protestants, can be a thorn in the side. Whereas traditional Calvinism inclines the church to distance itself from political provacateuring and incendiaries, we have these heroes outside the reformed tradition that were, to use a loaded phrase, “on the right side of history.”

Today, the situation is ironic in that American Christians, of all the issues we could politicize, appear to be most vocal about topics that will earn public disdain (I’m speaking mostly in the modern era). I acknowledge that the church does lesser-known good in the areas of poverty, illnesses, and disaster relief, but Christian blogs and podcasts would have me believe that majority culture evangelicalism doesn’t mind projecting its public identity onto unfavorable positions on sensational issues.

Maybe Bonhoeffer would be just as vocal as well on those issues, but can’t we gain some social capital by “diversifying” our outrage across the political spectrum? Why isn’t evangelicalism by-and-large decrying structural deficiencies leading to gun violence? Why don’t pastors give credence to climate change?

Our reformation fathers were bold in decrying the structural abuses of the Roman Catholic church, but from the modern perspective, the progressive causes of abolishing slavery and racial civil rights get the most kudos. My take is, of all the progressive causes, let’s make sure we’re leaders on all the right ones soli Deo gloria.

2014 Chiago, Cancun Trip

• Japanese in American Midwest
• Drive from Chicago to Baltimore
• Good times in Cancun aka trying to drain a jacuzzi with +Albert Chu +Dustin Shung +Danny Shin 

From Residence to Home

It’s been a great week where I’ve been finally able to settle into Queens. Though labeled New York’s “most boring borough,” Queens is pretty ideal, and I can’t help but wonder if some of my colleagues in deafening Manhattan yearn for a little bit of “boring” as they work themselves to death. Rego Park is ideal in that Costco, Russian produce, the post office, the parks and rec, the library, and the train station are all one block away. The Chinese eateries are split between Elmhurst and Flushing in which Rego is in the middle, but really, my generous apartment space accommodates any Chinese food preparation I will undertake.

One fear (“fear” by the way is usually way too strong a word for males in talking about domestic things, but “concern” didn’t quite fit but it’s ok I’m over it) I had in coming was if I’d be able to make friends. I know many a young adult that struggle to establish themselves because making friends with people twice your age in a borough filled with immigrants while on a consistent work schedule is not easy. Christians have it a little easier because of an immediate network and spiritual kinship (Hebrews 10:25), but without immediate family in the same unit it’s still very difficult to feel “at home.”

Enter the Puerto Ricans. In my apartment building there resides an extremely hospitable Puerto Rican family who have been New Yorkers longer than I have been alive. I was asking fellow tenants basic questions about getting cable internet, and the next thing I knew, I was in a Puerto Rican apartment drinking French press coffee, Portuguese Porto, whiskey, Argentinian wine, Long Islands, and green tea while talking about life, marriage, and “Fantastic Mr. Fox” until midnight. Unbelievably hospitable. Us Chinese, with thousands of years of history, need to learn again what it means to be human, because as far as I see, the average Chinese immigrant in Queens treats complete strangers sub-dirt.

I look outside my window overlooking the courtyard, and our Russian super is trying to build community as well, getting involved with whatever he can. Last night, the neighbors and I went out to see the city’s most not-so-secret secret skyline by Long Island City – and it was unobstructed New York skyline magic. Queens is magic, and hopefully I can pay it back by learning a Russian and Spanish phrase or two.

2014 Cancun Bachelor Party

Bachelor Party AKA Justin Bieber “Beauty and the Beat” MV remake. Mad ups to @DShineee1 for equipment and editing! With +Albert Chu +Danny Shin  +Dustin Shung 

Normal Christianity #2

Most days I feel my set-apart-ness slipping away. I laugh at the same jokes and complain the same complaints as everyone else. Sometimes though it takes an oldie-but-a-goodie to bring you back to what it’s all about.

On the train ride back from Connecticut my phone decides to play Hillsong United’s Salvation Is Here. Wow, I couldn’t imagine how refreshing that was. It was surprising given my recent foray into the works of John Owen, whose writing can only be described as having a lumbering literary gait. But this song makes its point clear and fast: God has brought salvation in our midst (Matthew 16:18, 28:20, Luke 17:21).

No other religion has this claim, that salvation is not just a future thing but a very near present thing. Nay, salvation is a person.

It is this person, Jesus Christ, who will be with us until the end of the age, and all the while we are his instruments in proclaiming the gospel. By this gospel will the kingdom be ushered and the gates of hades shall not prevail against it. Ye Christian brethren, may our lives reflect the courage worthy of these promises.

Normal Christianity #1

One retreat that impacted me like none other was Bethel's winter retreat in 2009, titled, "Christianity A to Z." Pastor Hank blew open my mind, and soon after my heart, to the way God revealed the person of Jesus in every story of the Bible, from Abraham to Moses to David. This supposedly basic Christian teaching was a hard thing to swallow, in large part because of its peculiar absence in my initial Christian years when I would ostensibly be learning the "basics."

And so it is with all "basic" Christian teachings. We never stray too far from our baby "spiritual milk" (1 Corinthians 3:2) because sin is never too far in grounding us (Genesis 4:7).

All that was to really preface this first reflection in how I am attempting to live out normal Christianity in my maturation to full independence. I mean "independence" in the sense that the student environment provided many guards and brackets that shielded worldly temptations I now face, and "normal" in the sense of a "basic" Christian walk.

The first basic principle I must remind myself overandoverandover again is that every individual -- of the thousands that surround me everyday -- is in part a reflection of the eternal God (Genesis 1:27). Let's start with that. The implications are as such:

    There is a beauty about every individual because of God's own beauty.
    There is a respect due unto every individual because of God's own authority.
    There is an infinite value ascribed to each individual because of God's sovereign purposes.

This principle has been most effective in my everyday relational attitude. How can I disrespect any individual if God himself is imaged in him? How can I not have compassion on any individual if God sacrificed his son to bring him close? Innate human dignity is an epic level-setter that vertically silences my righteous heart and molds it into a vessel of grace for its daily horizontal transactions.