I hated growing up in Howard County Maryland, and I still hate it

Mom raised me never to say the word hate. But after lab testing words like "loathe", "detest," "abhor"... "hate" is the most precise, respectfully.

tl;dr there is a lack of accessible third places where I grew up that makes life absolutely suffocating

Let me get the subjective points out of the way because, at the core, that is what colors my entire view. I had a very happy childhood in Cockeysville but our family moved to Woodstock next to Ellicott City when I was in middle school. The Baltimore suburbs were both "more suburban" (lots of forests) and lower-middle class than the area we moved into, but I felt so much loss when we moved. My parents, to their credit, were not helicopter parents and left us to figure out what to do, but this probably wasn't the right parenting style for the challenges I would have.

Objective point 1: incentives to live in isolated areas

We moved into a McMansion Lite single family, a decision that singlehandedly made me swear never to buy single family in my lifetime. It wasn't even that bad cuz right outside the subdivision were sidewalks that took you to...idk, friends, Waverly commerce, playgrou- aha! There are literally no playgrounds to walk to unless you're half a mile from the elementary school. This is a planning choice and one that has surprising cascading effects you only realize after you've moved to communities that have the amenity (more kids, more family socializing, more walking, etc.)

Howard County does have places with those amenities, ie., Columbia Association. Except! People who live there would rather be in the more prestigious school districts if they had the choice. CA has very nice amenities: trails to walk anywhere, access to Blandair, Lake Elkhorn, Lakefront, heck lakes everywhere!

But the "desirable" districts are like Clarksville and Marriottsville which are in Bumbleheck™ Nowhere. Back in the day the fastest way to get to my school friends would be to bike on MD-99. I consider myself a trendsetter because many people do this now, but back in 2003 when I did it I was the only one, and my mom was rationally incredibly terrified. People have bad incidents and there are no sidewalks at all. So in actuality, I spent the majority of my middle school hours depressed in front of the computer with the unfettered Internet.

Objective point 2: overrated

"HCPL voted 5-star library system"

"Wallethub's top livable community"

"Progressive ideals"

"Cultural landmarks for diversity and history"

"Best schools in Maryland"

I actually don't have a problem with the last assertion: by all accounts the school programs are great (barring recent transportation issues). But let's go through the others.

HCPL should be ashamed. I'm not even talking about the proposed thing next to Whole Foods. Spring Break just passed and during that week, HCPL cancelled and renegged all events. Not a single thing for kids or community members to do that week. MCPL in contrast on any given day had 50-some odd events across the system. There's a likely reason: the staff takes a spring break to coincide with the school schedule. But that just reveals how little robustness there is in the system. The library should provide for the most vulnerable in the community whose families can't afford nice spring break programs. Utter failure.

Oh and before pointing to HoCo rec as the alternative, you pay out the nose for membership. MoCo rec is free with better facilities (but this is punching down).

Livable. Progressive. Anecdote: I was shocked when we had coed physical education in middle school. In Baltimore, I'll just say it, we had real physical education. Boys did pushups regularly. There were wrestling units. Weight lifting. Gymnastics. I just didn't think I could handle the pretentiousness of coed archery and wiffleball when I landed in Howard County, I just wasn't ready. Yes, gender distinction is a pretty sensitive topic now but the need for boys to be challenged...I felt was a miss.

The progressivism seems like such a hypocritical veneer when the slogan at the time was "Choose Civility." Such a dog whistle. Howard County is decidedly upward middle class or adjacent. If you don't own a car you don't have an existence.

In terms of culture and landmarks, the literal landmark in our district was the snowball stand. I just .... please just go visit a real mixed use lot and then come talk to me.

There was an attempt to put on an "Asian Night Market" event at the Fairgrounds and it was so awful it was on every news outlet: people stuck on Interstate 70 for hours, and vendors not prepared to distribution. There is clearly demand for the bored masses to want to have fun things but the infrastructure isn't there to support it.

Here are what the county thinks are the culture areas: downtown EC and lakefront. Historic EC... could be so much better!! There is so little room for people to congregate and yet the cars cut through endangering anyone who might want to space out. I'd rather hang out in Kentlands (whose road network is decidedly tempered) during a hurricane than suffer through downtown EC on a perfect day.

Oh and let's talk about lakefront. Recall my BS-meter raging when the society only endorses its version of progressivism or diversity. It seems like the county actively wants to punch young people in the dick: you're not allowed to dance at the lakefront, and you're not allowed to be at the mall after 6 without an adult.

The lakefront is so lamentably sad now, which I'll explain in another point below.

Objective point 3: Route 40 is the ugliest ugly to ever ugly on this side of ugly

And recently designated a new cultural landmark!

Route 40 deserves its own hate section. It's possible most locals would agree with the statement that the Route 40 corridor is the heart and soul of Ellicott City.

And yet if you told a naive tourist that and dropped them there, what reaction would you expect? I think you'd get a resounding "double you tee eff."

what's the difference?

This is just such a perfect specimen of American commercial sprawl, way too perfect <🤌chef's kiss>. This area espouses what creed? "To be here, you must consume."

Where do you hang out? Like where can you kick it with friends? When I hung out with bethel kids it was in front of McD or Checkers, which were fun and affordable, but overall it did seem like in order to socialize you need to spend money, consume, and drive. I'm being completely serious when I unironically think the best third place option is the center with Sprouts Market. There's sidewalks you can walk between smoothie, gamestop, wingstop, and some chipotle.

You may have thought, "Oh! Not the center with Honeypig and trendy Cafe June?" Well to get between those places you need to first get run over by 3 minor arterials, and yea none of these businesses (even Roggenart) bother with outdoor seating cuz....... freaking Route 40.

Objective point 4: things have gotten worse

I'm lying, things have gotten so much better since I've been a kid. So many more fun places to eat and hang out.

But some bulwarks of why Howard County is "worth it" are starting to shake. Buses are failing to pick up kids so kids end up missing school. What? Turf Valley home invasion and kids mugged at Waverly pool in broad daylight. Excuse me? What's even the point of living in this desolate suburb then if we dealing with "city" problems 🤣🤣

The lakefront is a shell of what it was and can be. This past Sunday was the most amazing weather and... absolutely no one was at the lakefront. The "coolest" thing there is Whole Foods where the whole point is to get in and out with your food. The pub on the corner has no outdoor seating. No one patronizing any of the (checks notes) four businesses. I won't explicitly punch down with the infinite examples of peer counties proactively stimulating cultural life, but I've already ranted in the above points about how everything reeks of proactive suppression of life and frankly NIMBYism of folks probably just not allowing more business and development.

In conclusion

Please do not read "Howard county is the worst." It is not. It is a very decent place to live. Which just speaks to American standards of living tbh. This is squarely a personal write-up of why I hate Howard County. Over the years I got NUMTOTed to high heaven and finally have the vocabulary to identify the childhood dissonance.

My happiest memories are here. Would I have gotten into bboying without the boredom? Would I have become a Christian without the quirky friends and desolation? Would I have crumbled in the face of crazier competition of high-achieving Chinese kids in Montgomery County? How much of the neurosis is simply a function of my family culture regardless of where I lived? Did the gentle and stable environment allow me to ultimately thrive and succeed? The answer to these counterfactuals could fall on either side.

[Empty references] are a part of the wider memeification of our culture in which recognizability equals entertainment... where it becomes increasingly difficult to engage stories with commitment and sincerity.

-From The Marvelization of Cinema. A great follow up to Memes* cause depression

Japanese practice: Self-introduction

 

Cantonese Practice: Le Petit Prince 24

 

Cantonese Practice: Le Petit Prince 22 - 23

Cantonese Practice: Le Petit Prince 21

 

Hidden Brain: The Paradox of Pleasure

According to this two-part program (1, 2) basically if you're getting the constant dopamine that a modern person receives, our homeostasis will naturally baseline us in a state of depression. So if you want to not be depressed, you have to pretty actively not live like a modern person (e.g., no internet at home).

 There are so many good nuggets but here were two that I remember:

"In our narcissistic culture, you'll find people want to escape themselves and into something else. We are so inundated with thinking and worrying about ourselves that our escapism shows we want relief from that."

"I thought I was unhappy because my life was hard. It turns out I was unhappy because my life was too easy."

I'm rethinking my relationship with the internet and consumerism, down to things that we typically think are mundane and basic like "listening" to music (and podcast consumption!) I'm already cranky thinking about the withdrawal that will happen without my Youtube crutch, but the program convinced me there is no end to the manufactured infinite quantity of novelty, and each hit digs deeper into the dopamine cache that cannot be satisfied.

Anti-book bans

You may have heard of book bans, but some states and counties like our local school system have proactively enacted an "anti-book ban." This is a ban on bans, and within the school system, this means parents cannot opt their children out of curriculum with LGBTQ-inclusive texts.

Personality-wise, I love the idea of anti-book bans. Instead of libraries and BOEs being on the defensive from relentless conservative networks, they flip the story and assert the authority and leverage they've had all along. "If you don't like it, tough nuts, we're gonna give kids the opportunity to be more open-minded than you."

From the school board's perspective, I think it is appropriate, if not understandable, to equate this moment to school integration. Back then schools faced the wrath of angry parents, but the right thing to do was to keep letting the schools integrate. 

The message that kids see when they see parents openly protesting is "I am not okay with gay people." People of course have religious convictions against homosexuality. But parents should do well to tread carefully in the manner of how they discuss sexual identity, with LGBT youths from religious family backgrounds having higher risk of suicide. Sayings like "your identity is in Christ and not in being gay" are trite in the same way of "your identity is in Christ and not in being Chinese," because things like race and sex are so profound to our lived experiences that, yes, in theory Christian identity is rooted in Christ, but we minimize the beauty of imago dei by minimizing our particularities.

If we take the evangelical position that being gay is a distortion of the Christian sex ethic, there is still beauty in the distortion. For every gay or gender disphoric person who calls to Jesus, in evangelical lexicon, God is glorified to an even greater extent than a comfortably cis gendered person, because the weakness of man is the boasting in Christ. 

My personality does run contrarian, and that was one of the main appeals of being a Christian in the first place. "Society seems to be fluid or contradictory in gauging what's right and wrong, but God has a clear standard." So for religious parents, they could see this as a discipleship opportunity to have engaging and close conversations with their kids while gaining credibility that they aren't scared and are open to hearing and loving all people.

I am biased to the public school system. The hands-off approach of my parents wouldn't have served me well in areas like sex, drugs, and other sensitive health topics, but thankfully the schools were the safety net to give me really positive and practical information on how to navigate those things. In their message to parents, they cite research showing that "inclusive materials are a key component of a safe and supportive environment for LGBTQ+ students and increase positive psychosocial and educational outcomes." This honestly should be a shared goal across the community and I appreciate the system for the good faith effort.

Affirmative action shower thoughts

A Princeton professor said: 

At Harvard, more than 80% of recruited athletes are admitted. That’s orders of [magnitude] greater than any racial consideration. It also comes with considerable racial implications. 70% of athletes at Harvard are white, whereas only 40% of the student body is.

This is pretty revealing. You could argue the real enemies of equity, exacerbators of exclusivity, and honestly the most obvious elephants at elite colleges are: sports recruiting and legacy. AOC later quoted the same stats I think so I'm in good company.

But the quote also implies that the 40% white student body, while not even at > 50%, is still higher than it "should" be based on standard considerations. And also that, later in the thread, for colleges that don't consider gender they end up with more women admitted. I think that's fascinating.

Now on to shower-borne solutions. Why do people care about getting into elite colleges? I assume: better job opportunities. And subjectively "social prestige," but I'll focus on jobs for now because I think part of the solution is to undercut prestige. So. What if. Hear me out. We had "college blind" job hiring? Or affirmative action with consideration to diversify educational background?

"That's infeasible."

Is it though?

Federal law already bars employers from discriminating against potential or current employees on factors such as gender, race and age ("equal opportunity employer" or "EEO"). What if we simply tacked on educational background to that list?

"Educational background" is becoming more and more of a subjective bar with less and less utility thanks to democratized online learning materials. Personally speaking, college was the biggest waste of time educationally. I learned nothing that was unique to the particular university, and public high school education was much more meaningful overall.

So how could companies implement this? Google already sort of does this with "hiring committees" and so some of my colleagues didn't even attend college. Hiring committees are a detached cabal that have not interacted with the candidate and only look at the merits of the candidate's interview answers. The committee is blind to educational background, gender, and race. To make this equitable, the top of the funnel needs to include an intentionally diverse pool and that's where Google is imperfect, as are all other companies, since recruiters have extreme leeway and discretion on who to get through the screen.

"So you're saying there should be some federal law that asks recruiters to censor the college a candidate came from before presenting to hiring managers, or companies must consider candidates who attended non-elite colleges (>15% admission rate) in the pool, and the law also asks companies to revamp entire campus recruiting strategies, basically eliminating campus recruiting as it exists today?"

"...Yea!" It only sounds impossible because we settle into artificial constraints on what's possible! I think this is more feasible than fighting at the college admissions level, contending with incentives of endowment and sports economics, VERSUS at the employer level, where it's easier to argue college name != performance. Back to the shower for more thoughts.

Cantonese Practice: Le Petit Prince 18 - 20

 

The limits of therapy

Not letting Alan Noble corner the market on exegeting modern culture, the late Tim Keller has an extremely incisive chapter in his book Forgive titled, “Our need for forgiveness.” It’s based on an article written by Wilfred McClay on “the strange persistence of guilt,” where the modern (western) person, like all persons before, tries to cover their shame and sense of inadequacy *except this time* without the help of explicit moral categories, which is an idea ironically from Karl Marx. Thanks also to the default acceptance of Nietzsche and Freudian ideas that underlie therapy, mainstream therapy rationalizes and detaches itself from moral universals like guilt.

I don’t want to reduce the chapter to a couple wordbites so would recommend reading it in its entirety, but from personal experience I would agree that cognitive behavioral therapy does not cover dimensions of anxiety that are irrefutably moral and spiritual in their subjective experience. This is by design of course, so it’s not a gotcha. CBT I think helps folks to curb excesses in their *thoughts* to prevent *feelings* and *actions* from a downward spiraling.

But “not spiraling” is different than “joyful.” So what gets in the way of being joyful that CBT can’t address? It’s that nagging sense that you’re not good enough, useful enough, or loved enough, by other people or by yourself. No amount of CBT self-thought-policing with affirmations of “I am worthy” will actually sit deeply unless you bring about some standard of, well, what makes someone worthy to begin with?

The deflecting person will look outside and see how society and other people have unfairly deemed them unworthy (e.g., “not smart enough for the job”, “not funny or pretty enough for friends”). This is an archetype that fits the modern MO – victimhood is righteousness. Even if that situation is true, there are two problems: the practical problem is that mere acknowledging doesn’t really help one find joy, and the philosophical problem is therein lies a moral judgment. Those two words CBT is highly allergic to. The moral judgment is that other people are the guilty ones.

But how do you guide a CBT client with this complaint? You have to somehow straddle “those judgments by other people are not true” and “those people may have understandable reasons for treating you this way (a la amygdala function).” A bit vacuous and not joy-inspiring. This is what I actually experienced in my CBT sessions, and this is not an accusation but just an observation on what conflicts surface within this framework.

The honest person will look inside and see that, yes, there are truly things that make them unworthy. A spiteful heart, destructive habits, ungracious attitudes. Dr. Keller cutely quips Instagram is not enough to cover these things we know to be true of ourselves. Pronouncing all guilt onto other people is creating an artificial, or rigged, scale to make sure we don’t acknowledge the inadequacy/shame that we don’t know what to do with (thanks to Nietzsche). CBT would posit that you’ve developed your unworthy traits as your body’s natural way of dealing with stress, and thus we need to reprogram the brain to think-feel-act accordingly.

The “best case” is you start to act in ways that are more righteous. But that doesn’t solve the inherent problem of sensing right vs. wrong actions in the first place. And so when you inevitably do something wrong, you behavior manage your way out and hopefully don’t think too deeply as to why you keep feeling dissatisfied.

To his credit, Dr. Noble does dedicate a whole chapter to the limits of therapy in his essay-book On Getting Up In The Morning. He does not downplay the need for it but acknowledges that it’s hit-or-miss at best. Positively speaking, CBT has been beneficial for me to understand better how I think, why I operate in a certain manner, and increase my capacity for compassion when others act destructively. And it is a sort of relief to know that it doesn’t, shouldn’t, and can’t address the lingering accusations, which compel a need for deep acceptance and love from a worthy party.

Cantonese Practice: Le Petit Prince 16-17

 

Cantonese Practice: Le Petit Prince 14-15

 

Cantonese Practice: Le Petit Prince 12-13

 

Memes* cause depression

*well, internet scrolling in general, which are basically memes or meme-adjacent.

During company layoffs, I went two straight weeks looking at nothing but internal memes. They were really helpful in processing the feelings of hurt and shock. 

Memes with my colleagues straddle an interesting spectrum. It's "connection" with a real collective community, but the collective is across 200K employees.

Extrapolate that to an entire internet "community" and you have the state of today's media. For all the split-second entertainment that's out there, I rarely laugh. That's true unfortunately not just with internet browsing, but with life and with people too.

Is it just me? Are we not having as many belly laughs with people as with past times? 

I could be conflating a number of other true things: 

adult friendships don't tend to be as deep as those from youth,  

raising a kid is a perpetual beatdown,

pandemic disconnection,

desensitization from working in a frenetic environment,

but let me just stick to my thesis a little longer. First, what am I calling a "meme," and why do they make us depressed? A meme (picture, short video skit, stupid Tweet™️) is basically an attempt through media to get a "Oh I know that feeling!" It's creating a "connection," and the more niche the reference the greater the payoff, e.g., in order from basic to niche: SAT -> 90skids4lyfe -> depression/anxiety/introvert/antisocial -> grad school memes with relatable themes -> NUMTOT -> MD is a cult Not a State -> Super Secret DMV bboy page. Honestly for every human experience, and I mean *every*, we've created some media.

But here's the thing. I think connection is zero-sum. At the core of it, memes create connection to a nebulous internet entity, which thus disconnects us more and more with our real counterparts. We strip ourselves the opportunity to laugh with real friends, because would-be funny convos are constantly scuttled with our mental "oh I've seen this line of humor already in a meme." I sense this constantly in my interactions. People including myself have a hard time laughing from true novelty, because there is none.

And it's even more negative than zero-sum. The meme reduces the dimensions and dignity of the human experience it's making fun of. Tokenizes and trivializes. Ironically, the more nuanced ("niche") the meme is the more the tokenization effect. Because of this, I draw a line at Christian memes. Under no circumstances I'll entertain Christian memes. That's the last thing in my life I need trivializing. 

As self-proclaimed Nostalgia King, I think about how life was in the 2000s. Even though we had internet, its use was so different. We still used Facebook to catch up with real people in our lives, not random impersonal internet personalities. AIM chat was in its heyday. We connected with real folks. 

Will I stop with memes? Maybe! I unfollowed a bunch of meme accounts by the end of writing this. Out of all my social contexts, I think I have pretty good laughs with bboys. The meme skills of the community are so poor it's actually a net-benefit. It also helps you're inherently vulnerable and silly when participating. A lot of the things discussed here are themes from the book "You Are Not Your Own" by Alan Noble. Excellent read, seriously cut me on specific modern problems that older religious figures don't have insight into (a la memes, porn, and smartphones).

Chronicling my growing up while learning electric guitar: middle school anime music

0:13 the Fourth Avenue Cafe from Rurouni Kenshin ED 4 
0:49 READY STEADY GO from Fullmetal Alchemist OP 2
1:45 Dune by L'Arc-en-Ciel 
2:07 Driver's High from Great Teacher Onizuka
2:28 shuffle from Yu-Gi-Oh! OP 2
3:18 OVERLAP from Yu-Gi-Oh! OP 5
4:13 River from Gundam SEED ED 2

Sentimental: "One of the big marks of the loss of identity is nostalgia." - Marshall McLuhan.

Anime music that I listened to in middle school is like the deep core of my musical taste -- delightful Japanese tunes. I wanted to show that delight in songs like Ready Steady Go which indeed are fun to play, but what ended up on video was the 20th take and I'm not as animated. I also never noticed how MUCH L'Arc-en-Ciel I listen to... it's like I forgot them for Asian Kung-Fu. So many other songs I wished to do like Jiyuu e no Shoutai but forgot. The Dune song is for my son who likes it surprisingly (it's a little weird) but w/e I'll play it.

Technical: omg what can I say about 4th ave cafe. I'm not even sure if this guitar part should exist, I can't hear it in the original song. I was challenged by a friend to make my guitar track more prominent but...omg it's SO HARD to get a good tone so I'm chickening out. Maybe I need a real amp and not free Garageband ones. Something up with the interface? Anywho, it's crazy the amount of time I spent increasing the body of the sound without making terrible noise. I'm talking days of going back and redoing the pedalboard. High notes: "Oh I need flange to round it out." Low notes: "Oh EQ picking up too much bass." It's just crazy.

OK. Breathing. Ready Steady Go is likewise pretty fast, so settling for a more basic rhythm. Let's give up on the palm muted tremelos, it's spray and pray. For these songs I need to cut out the entire lower half of EQ frequencies to match the tone. And Driver's High requires a 24th fret...my guitar don't got that. Overall, L'arc is harder to play than AKFG, so respect to the older school.

Shuffle has hard solos that I won't attempt, but otherwise the easiest to record.

Cantonese Practice: Le Petit Prince 10-11

 

Cantonese Practice: Le Petit Prince 9

 

Cantonese Practice: Le Petit Prince 8

 

Cantonese Practice: Le Petit Prince 7

 

Cantonese Practice: Le Petit Prince 6

 

Chronicling my growing up while learning electric guitar: Asian Kung-Fu Generation

0:00 E 0:39 Kimi no Machi Made 1:17 Siren 2:27 Shindōkaku 3:53 Re:Re: 5:08 Rewrite

Sentimental: Finally. FINALLY. We get to play AKFG. These songs, particularly the Sol-fa album, land right in the 2004 era, but they carry so much farther into the future.

AKFG brings back happy memories of finally finding my footing after moving to Howard County. Making more friends. Relaxing playing Quake. Taking FBLA, ACSL, and Model UN trips. Studying for AP classes at Kevin's house. 

Just sit back and enjoy.

Technical: So why in the beginning did I say "finally"? Because. These are simply perfect songs to play. The riffs are super catchy BUT easy (enough). I don't need to labor over complicated patterns; I just play my heart out. It has been 20 years since these songs came out, but I still listen to them on repeat. So practicing the songs is not a chore, and the payback is more immediate.

The guitar tone is somewhat of a technical mystery. It could be I can't really replicate the BOSS pedals at all octaves, or is it that my guitar is lacking vs. a Les Paul? Whatever it is, I can't find the same grind, overdrive, or distortion that AKFG has without sacrificing the pleasantness of the sound. In a single song I'm vacillating between a British punk stack for chorus chords, and an Octane amp for punchy solos or interludes.

Also, I realized quite late that I fastened my strap backwards. So now. I can put the guitar much lower on my hip, like they do in the music videos. 

Cantonese Practice: Le Petit Prince 5

 

Cantonese Practice: Le Petit Prince 4

 

Chronicling my growing up while learning electric guitar: Late 20s

0:00 Hero by UNLIMITS  0:59 Haruka Kanata from BLEACH ED 28
1:51 Climber from Haikyū!! ED 3
2:58 風箏 by Supper Moment
4:16 無盡 by Supper Moment

Sentimental: Instead of being chronologically linear, I thought it'd be fun to skip around for variation. (And why are the videos filmed in different places in my house? I'm just bored.) So here are some rock songs in the past couple years. 

By this point, I had already moved from NY to MD and had a son, and there really wasn't much time to discover new music. I originally listened to UNLIMITS a lot while heartbroken and depressed over OPIM projects senior year of college, but now the association is much more positive. They're a go-to when I'm pumping myself up to do DIY around the house.

Then the pandemic came, along with some depression (it's one of the main factors I'm now seeing a therapist). But there were still a couple bright spots! There was Haikyu!! (hence Galileo Galilei) and also learning Cantonese.

My Cantonese teacher introduced me to so much awesome modern Hong Kong music, and so it was nice to ground my pandemic soundtrack through this cultural heritage. (There are other great songs too, particularly from Dear Jane, but I think they block even covers of their songs). I basically sing my heart out getting emotional to the Supper Moment songs lol.

In general, with the pandemic being so isolating, it's making me reach back into happy nostalgic memories, hence this entire chronicling exercise. But the reality is, I just can't get those past highs anymore, or maybe I never had them and it's one of those things where, from my Christian worldview, we are nostalgic for eternity and the feeling of a spiritual home. It's a very funny feeling, because sometimes I feel nostalgic to go back to Taiwan, but I'm not Taiwanese and I visited as a tourist ONCE. And yet, my heart yearns to be there like it's homesick lol. 

Technical: Wow my wrist is so awkward in the first UNLIMITS song; I realized I could just lower the guitar to get the fretboard close to my hand, instead of my hands looking like a pterodactyl. 

Also, the Japanese punk tone has less distortion than I thought? For UNLIMITS, a vintage British stack was way closer to the Japanese rock sound than previous attempts with an Octane or American stack. Or I just got lucky.

I'm starting to notice the value of the pickup position: closer to fretboard when doing single note solos, farther for power chords.

Chronicling my growing up while learning electric guitar: Middle School 2003

0:00 - Engel by Rammstein
0:40 - Adam’s Song by blink-182
1:18 - Holding On by Pillar
2:08 - Crawling in the Dark by Hoobastank
3:19 - Faint by Linkin Park

Sentimental: Love live nu-metal! Japanese songs I discovered on my lonesome, but Western rock music was shared with me by friends!

Just kidding. I listened to these songs by myself too, coupled with anime music videos. But s'ok, I’ll share the songs I got from friends once I made them later on, but for now we’re still in middle school. I still get an excited feeling listening to these songs, because I see them in my mind backing all sorts of sakuga-level anime scenes. I only know this blink-182 song from a pretty well-done Kenshin music video on shonenanime.com, with the site itself being my fundamental source of music discovery.

TBH the Pillar song was introduced by a friend! Ben C was nice enough to invite me to a LAN party, and there I listened to Andrew H’s CD which happened to have this song. I must have listened to it 100 times that night, it was so catchy.

And Linkin Park songs still carried over long after middle school for me, because of the different remixes that exist for breakbeats used in bboying that I started in high school.

Technical: This is the first time I failed to complete the assignment. The fast rhythmic palm mutes in Rammstein are deceptively hard. I recorded an earlier version with them, but it neither sounded nor looked good, so I figured what’s the point. And for Hoobastank, it’s just gonna be bar chords for me, dawg. I wonder how professionals have that level of speed and precision.

In general, drop C tuning just makes everything sound seriously fun. It was very hard to make the Pillar song sound bad. For Hoobastank, I didn’t bother trying to get the tone of the echo delay guitar; there’ll be plenty of time for that doing Ling Tosite songs. Just having a swell time with the song’s bridge in the meanwhile.

Cantonese Practice: Le Petit Prince 3

 

Chronicling my growing up while learning electric guitar: Middle School 2002

0:00 - Sk8er Boi
0:17 - Storm Eagle from Megaman X
0:35 - One More Time from Megaman X3
1:05 - Opening from Megaman X5
1:21 - Lazy Mind from Megaman X7
1:41 - Over Shine by Rina Aiuchi

I picked up electric guitar at the beginning of this year! bc #omicron. As I learn, I'll have sentimental and technical reflections in parallel.

Sentimental: The soundtrack of my life has a lot of branches, ranging from funk, electronic, pop (OK not really that much range), but I think at my core it's pop rock, alternative, and punk rock that animate me, bordering the language of "it defines me."

I fully accept this stems from being a complete anime weeb, and I think I can trace this back to my parents playing Teresa Tang in the car when we were kids, where she sang a lot of Japanese melodies with Chinese lyrics.

There were certainly different childhood influences that I may cover in a later post, but we'll use Avril Lavigne as a starting place since we listened to her a lot at Linda Y's house over the summer. Sadly though, middle school overall was a lonely time when we moved away from my childhood friends.

In this void, one of my escapes-turned-obsessions was Megaman. Some of my best friends don't even know, but Megaman was a big part of my childhood. I'm surprised I didn't include songs from the Zero series, which were my favorite -- perhaps for another post. The last song by Rina Aiuchi is a foreshadowing of all the J-pop and J-rock that is to come in the following years.

Technical: Ben S pointed this out to me: the Squier Telecaster is a low-end guitar with scratchy, single coil pickup with distortion but .. it's so pretty!!

I would say the electric guitar subculture is super gatekeeping, and not just with the hardware barrier to entry. Access to DAWs, digital amplifiers, and pedals is hidden behind virus-laden websites or paywalls, with super complicated installation and setup. And then the pretentious attitudes in general (goodness help you if you're in a forum and ask how to get Avril Lavigne's tone). All can be super discouraging for a starting hobbyist.

Imagine my sheer delight to discover Apple's Garageband as a free, super-intuitive DAW preloaded with hundreds of effects. I hate to admit it, but this may be the single reason I buy Macbooks for the rest of my life. This has saved me hundreds of hours of scouring for terrible DAWs and effects, while getting started and actually playing guitar songs immediately.

In my youtube video descriptions, I'll be writing down the settings I used for tone. This is another gatekeeping aspect: unlike in the coding community where you have open repositories or Terraform templates, I am unaware of any all-in-one packages for guitar/music production, where you take an artifact and immediately have the exact same tone settings as another player. 

Cantonese Practice: Le Petit Prince 2

 

Cantonese Practice: 粮食浪费指数 Food Waste Index

 

Cantonese practice: 飯寶嘅泡泡糖奇遇記

 from Youtuber MtzCherry

Cantonese practice: Self-introduction

 

Cantonese practice: Le Petit Prince 1

 

Cantonese practice: Testimony

reading from this

Mandarin practice: Testimony

 

Since I’m externally motivated, and with delta (plus a hurricane now?) narrowing the field of things I can do, I’ll post recordings of Chinese reading practice. The calculus is as follows: posting on Facebook, IG, or Twitter is too public, and spamming my friends & family group chats is too spammy. So these will land on the blog, a fitting capsule for different phases of my life anyhow.

reading from this

mindfulness

I had this moment after a counseling session where dots finally connected. My therapist has been recommending a mix of, one, doing activities unburdened by responsibility (time off, non-family hangouts), and two, pausing during the day to be mindful (I think "mindful" is a fancy way of saying "be present"). Then I later thought to myself, "What if those two things actually operate the same way?"

The first category suggests that humans crave new experiences, mystery, and adventure, and much of modern unhappiness stems from our finding artificial ways to pump dopamine, through videos and feeds, to less and less effect. It's the reason why when I went back to the office after a year, poring through my emails became a much more enthralling and delightful thing, just by changing the scene.

The second category of "mindful" practices, from what I understand, involves training the mind to be completely engaged in the present. If you're eating, take in every taste and texture (so eat slowly). If you're walking, before absentmindedly listening to a podcast, first appreciate the surrounding nature and architecture and all it took to make those things come to be. If you're breathing, notice your chest expanding and the air cycling through your nose. It's sort of like being a kid again.

Now my theory is that, practically, the first category of doing exciting things pretty much lends itself to being more mindful. That is, when you're doing something new, you're naturally just much more present. You're more likely to take time and enjoy the sights when commuting in a new city, whereas a dulled local pays no mind anymore. And since it's much harder nowadays to do particularly exciting things (safely), is the takeaway then to simulate a sense of new wonder in routine things?

I tried today, and to a degree it works. My errands seemed less hurried and more relaxed. I let go of future problems, which tend to establish themselves prematurely in my brain.

It's better than the converse: constantly chasing exciting new stimuli. That obviously doesn't scale. Here's an old Instastory when I was traveling; restless and unable to sit still, I found myself *bored* trying to absorb 4 programs at once.

Even without travel, I'm not at a particularly better spot at the moment. A weird thing about quarantine is that, out of a pathological desire to not be bored, I've produced a robust catalog of dozens of activities and goals to keep me busy. But by chasing the stimuli and not savoring the process, the terribly irony is I'm quite bored with all of them.

Tangential NYT article: Feeling Blah During the Pandemic? It's Called Languishing

Recent things that have been good for me

Spring weather

Taking walks enjoying the blossoms

Getting taxes over with

My son enrolling in special education

Reaching out generally to more people for my son

Getting a leftover dose of J&J

Frequent PTO

Anthony Bradley's podcast

Men's group at church

Saying "I love you" to other men

Therapy

DIY home fixes

Neighbor auntie cooking us dinners

Family fun with Pokemon Stadium

COVID + frequent winter storms = cooped inside for long periods of time with a toddler. The principle shifts from “no screen time” to “what quality of screen time?”

Well, I’ve found Pokemon Stadium (N64 ROM via Google TV) to be a good after-dinner family activity for the following reasons:

• It’s easy. No advanced reflexes are required like sidescrollers, RPGs, or even puzzle games like Tetris. You can take your sweet time deciding your next move (of which there are only 4), and it’s nothing more complicated than beating down the other opponent’s health.
  
  
• It’s interactive. The whole family gets involved deciding what’s the next move, or what Pokemon to choose, so lots of opportunity for a child to input towards a shared goal.
  
  
• Learn English. “Agility,” “seismic toss,” “super effective,” “supersonic.” The usage of these words isn’t complicated, but they are still animated in engaging ways to give someone a sense of what the words mean.
  
  
• Learn math. The HPs have some decently-sized numbers as the levels get higher. Pokemon in the end is about math and how to get the biggest attacks, so lots of good math conversation.
  
  
• Learn science. Use electricity to beat water. Use ground to take down electricity. Use psychic against ghosts in your house (..?). Life skills here.
  
  
• It’s fun. My wife and I also get really into it, because there’s a good mix of luck and strategy. And the characters are cute, which kids like.

見證 (粵語)

好似好多喺文革期間長大嘅中國人噉, 我父母使用獨立自主, 自力更生, 懷疑極端思想嘅原則教育我同我個妹。當我長大以後, 通過媒體睇到啲保守派人士嘅種種言論, 我嗰陣時覺得基督教好似同愛無關, 事實搞到好多紛爭。仲有我嗰陣遇到啲去教會嘅人睇落都唔係好好嘅基督徒代表, 佢哋明明咁傷害人, 行為亦好自私。 我嗰陣諗: "呢啲無知嘅行為應該同教會嘅教育有關呀嘛"。

不過而家諗起, 噉睇法其實係為咗證明我自己嘅正義, 顯示我比嗰啲信神嘅人更醒目, 更好。坦白講, 我雖然喺學業上都取得成功, 但係因為呢種得戚, 搞到我喺屋企有好多拗撬。 一方面我覺得我比我父母更了解我應該點樣做, 另一方面我又要佢哋嘅贊同, 喺度搞到不可調和嘅緊張局勢。 結果我做咗自己嘅睇法同第啲人對我睇法嘅雙重奴隸。

幾年過咗, 高四寒假中俾大學錄取之後, 兩位朋友 Sam 同埋 Albert 邀請我去教會, 橫𠶧學習冇壓力咋, 我就應承咗。當我參加禮拜時, 我覺得好奇怪兩個朋友好似真誠相信呢位主。佢哋承認自己唔得, 唔似我鍾意表現自己強。

當日牧師講道嘅信息係關於 "超越人所能理解嘅基督之愛" 同埋 "基督嘅愛係幾咁長闊高深" (弗3:16-19)。講道結束之後, 牧師叫聽眾自己禱告。嗰陣我都係唔熟悉禱告嘅方法, 所以我就喺度低頭反思。

我腦子入面思緒萬千：“呢個上帝已知我同家人嘅關係唔和嘅, 仲有佢都見到我癡迷于自己㗎。係咪我真係關心第哋人啩, 仲係我一切為自己服務啫?“ 過咗一陣靜默之後, 我默禱咗: "神呀, 我終於要同你講話喇。點解我冇搵到任何人可以理解我呀? 點解我努力會導至痛苦呀?” 我認識到我嘅行為咁損害創造我嘅神嘅榮耀, 因為我努力自己要當成咗神。 根據我所造成嘅痛苦, 我本來該得到懲罰。 但係我聽到神講個好消息: 耶穌噉謙卑嚟到世上, 唔單止唔給予我應該受嘅審判, 反而流血喺十字架上嚟買贖我呢個沙塵敗壞嘅人。仲有基督既從死裡復活, 佢就勝過罪同死亡。 所以佢都會俾我得平安。 如果我信佢, 我就俾佢嘅愛充滿, 俾佢做我嘅主, 就唔再係學業成績、父母、甚至我自己嘅期望話事。 喺佢犧牲嘅愛裡我唔再需要其他更貴重嘅嘢。

呢個係一個好消息,唔单止係我有好表現先會被接納。 呢個福音話我一旦接受, 確信無疑, 我會開始過一個被祝福嘅生活。 因為創造宇宙嘅神真係愛我, 所以我而家先可以去經歷平安, 去真正愛人喇。

见证 (国语）

像许多在文革期间长大的中国人一样，我的父母以独立自主，自力更生和怀疑极端思想的原则教育我和我的妹妹。当我长大以后，通过媒体看到的保守派人士的种种言论，我当时觉得基督教似乎与爱无关，倒是导致许多纷争。另外我当时遇到的去教会的人似乎也不是很好的基督徒代表，他们公然地伤害别人，行为也很自私。我当时心想: “这种无知的行为应该与教会的教育有关”。

但现在回想起来，这样看法其实是为了证明我自己的正义，显示我比那些相信神的人更聪明，更好。坦白说，我虽然在学业上也取得成功， 但是因为这种自义，以及由此而来的过度自信导致了我在家里的很多冲突。 一方面我觉得我比我父母更了解我应该怎样做，另一方面我又试图获得他们的赞同，这常常导致不可调和的紧张局势。 结果我成了自己的观点和别人对我的看法的双重奴隶。

几年过了，高四寒假中被大学录取后，两位朋友Sam和Albert邀请我去教会，反正学习没有压力了我就答应了。当我参加礼拜时，我觉得很奇怪两个朋友似乎真诚相信这位主。他们承认自己虚软弱，不像我喜欢表现自己强。

那天牧师讲道的信息是关于“超越人所能理解的基督之爱”和“基督的爱是何等长阔高深”(弗3:16-19)。讲道结束后牧师让听众自己祷告。这时候我还不熟悉祷告的方法，所以我就在那儿低头反思。

我脑子里思绪万千：“这个上帝已知我与家人的关系不和，而他也看到我痴迷于自己。我真的关心别人，还是我一切为自己服务?”过了一阵静默之后我默祷:“神，我终于要跟你说话。为什么我没找任何人能够理解我？为什么我的努力会导致痛苦？”我认识到我的行为多么损害创造我的神的荣耀，因为我努力自己要成为神。按我所造成的痛苦，我本应得到惩罚。但我听到的消息却是: 耶稣谦卑的来到世上，不但不给予我该得的审判，反倒流血在十字架上来买赎我这个骄傲败坏的人。而且基督既从死里复活，他也就胜过罪和死亡。因此他也会能给我平安。假如我相信他，我就被他的爱充满,让他作我的主，而不再是学业成绩、父母、甚至我自己的期望作主。在他牺牲的爱里我不再需要别的更高的东西。

这是好消息，并不是我只有好行为才会被接纳。而这福音则是我早已经被完全地接纳了，并且对自己被接纳的事实确信无疑，我才会开始过一个得祝福的生活。因为创造宇宙的神爱我，所以我现在也才能够经历平安而去真正地爱别人。

People are surprising

Some people are really blowing me away with their patience, nuance, and grace while communicating online. Yes, there are the expected comment section dumpster fires (typically with the brave white Christian who shares to their relatively conservative network). But I'm particularly proud of the Asian Christian brothers and sisters I see taking time and thoughtfulness to engage. 

Here are some examples: 

and

In the vernacular and physical sense, I do not have the time to engage. A part of me wants church leaders to equip people with tools on how to engage online ("how not to take the bait when goaded", "lean towards private conversation", "know when to engage", "know when not to minimize someone's pain, even if misguided"). The internet is a bigger part of people's lives now than "real-life." 

Also, this has been a very clarifying time, a rejuvenating time (but physically exhausting as my sleep is getting messed up). I feel like a Christian again. I'm applying my Christian thinking much more actively in areas of compassion, wisdom, grace, humility, and justice. 

(Very) old racism, new reflections

First things first. Black lives matter. Period. Now..

This is to my Asian Christian guys: how do you feel during this time? I won’t be moralizing or lecturing at you; you can message me directly on your reaction to my reflections.

As depressingly regular as racial tragedies are, like the “natural cycle” of school shootings, I posted *just a wee* bit more on social media this "cycle” because of the high velocity of events. And with that have come some challenges, albeit welcomed challenges and more welcomed lessons.

There are certain Asian archetypes. Going from broad to niche, mine are as follow:

Male -> 

Father ->

Chinese ->

American-born ->

Suburban middle-class ->

Higher education in urban area ->

White-collar ->

Christian -> 

Hobbyist in Hiphop ->

Immigrant parents went to HBCU ->

Lived in West Baltimore as child

Each sub-category comes with its own social circle, sometimes seemingly mutually exclusive in worldview to one another. This became super apparent when a person from my suburban context and people from my urban, POC, and hiphop contexts were arguing about policing. (My original post was resharing account of police use of force on children and residential home areas)

I think with the archetypes I’ve been given, I will not be able to please anyone 100% (that hits on my idol of wanting to be liked). I don’t want to argue online publicly, and instead do things one-to-one, because my Christian ethic values peacemaking and wisdom, instead of fruitless posturing. I don’t want to downplay racism and police brutality (in fact, I want to broadcast) because I value justice.

6/1 EDIT: My saying “I don’t want to argue online publicly” specifically means not having an argument in the comment section. Example here:

I very much want people to reshare/post all the anti-racist resources and accounts they can. But here is where I disagree with some in the social justice cohort -- when they say "you need to cancel your racist friends" "you need to unfriend your racist friends" "you need to embarrass/fold your racist friends."

I don't agree with those statements. That's what I'm trying to convey. I have POC friends that are probably disappointed I didn't blast the white guy in the comments, and I didn't do that because I wanted to engage in a more meaningful way, which I did in DMs. Through DM, this persion actually apologized and we wished each other well, which I thought was God perhaps at work. This is a kind of ministry principle to me, that if the comment section is combative you can't do ministry there. (Not because I'm wise, but opposite, I've made the mistake before.)

Wonder if other Asian Christians of varying overlapping archetypes are trying to figure this out? I’ll be messaging folks in the coming days to think through, but now that that’s done, again, black lives matter.

Freestyle

Child coming up with “rhymes” while singing.

Mom: ♬This old man he played one, he played knick-knacks on my--♬

Son: Foot!

M: This old man he played two, he played knick-knacks on my--

S: Door!

M: “““““three,”“““““--

S: Chest!

M: “““““four,”“““““--

S: baba!

M: “““““five,”“““““--

S: mama!

M: “““““six,”“““““--

S: Ai-jah!

M: “““““seven,”“““““--

S: Pikachu!

M: “““““eight,”“““““--

S: beow-dado!

M: “““““nine,”“““““--

S: Guda!

M: “““““ten,”“““““--

S: Jigae!

-------------------

This is not his strongsuit.

love letter to new york

to which you’d say, like the guy I’m sitting next to in this organic burger joint: “IDGAF bout your stupid bitchass letter” (this is the clean ver)

here goes.

Come off the plane in Newark, not too cold! Thanks ny metro carbon cover :)

Lyft driver clearly gouging me going through staten island/bklyn route so I report this dude and get him offed the lyft community before we get to Chelsea while I’m still in the car.

New York, you are frozen in a time capsule. Some things refuse to be gentrified. my go-to 99cent pizza hideout, clearly engaging in money laundering, is still around! rejoice!!

I love how tons of places are still open so I can grab this second dinner. Wanted Japanese with the 90s rnb but alas had more seating to charge my stuff here. 

Can’t wait to get on the subway to metrotech rushing from meeting to meeting. For now will be taking a slumber amidst the heap.

Love you!

you know what's funny?

When things are chill and happy at home, we are usually talking to our son in Chinese. But when things escalate and I'm reaching my limit, I seem to have no choice but to voice my frustration in English.

Which is like, exactly what my parents did (in reverse). Speaking English during peacetime, blowing up in Chinese when it's hitting the fan.

This thought tickles me a lot.

spoiled

A lot of times the portraits of grace that are (rightly) elevated are those where through trial and hardship, someone is able to lean on God and find comfort and persevere.

My experience has been not one of suffering but of regular distractions. I have loved moving back to Maryland, then I got consumed with being a new parent, and arguably got more consumed by getting my dream job.

In each case I let that thing be my identity and worth. Doing so didn't lead to great outcomes. I turn back to God only after being burnt out and disappointed. I didn’t maintain faithful discipleship nor wanted to.

God is very sweet to me in his grace and welcoming. He does not change.

My first open source project

I recently pushed a project to the official Google Github page.

This year has been a transition from advisory work (powerpoints and excels) to something much more technical. Not a big deal to my peers in the same field, but I'm marking it as a personal milestone.

As for what the code does, it finds files in Google Drive that were just made visible across the domain, e.g., "Anyone at company.com with the link can view/edit [this file]," and then removes that visibility.

Open to contributions and pull requests! We just have a contributor license agreement and you're good to go :) https://cla.developers.google.com/

"If truth doesn’t decide who’s right and who’s wrong…it will be power [that decides]."

— Abdu Murray

epiphany

I am such a jaded curmudgeon and I feel a large part is because I don’t have role models to look up to anymore.

Some of it is the directional aspect. I have achieved everything I wanted in life. My sights weren’t lofty (clearly) but I’ve checked all the boxes. It seems the more comfortable and stable my life is, the angrier and more frustrated a person I become.

Of course, role models have a relational aspect. I haven’t really built back up my network since moving to MD. I had more older Asian male friends back in NYC who I respected a lot. I wish race wasn’t that important but how can it not in the era of identity.

I am reaching out through different avenues. I need someone who understands my worldview to help me navigate this, a tall order. It’s probable this is what every adult feels. That kinda sucks.

I can’t optimize God out of my life

The credit card points are great but I end up blowing them on traffic camera tickets.

Paying property taxes online is really convenient unless I pay it on the wrong property.

Giving my best presentation but for the wrong audience stifles my sense of accomplishment.

All the best parenting materials don’t seem to help when I end up surrendering to frustration at my don’t-know-any-better toddler.

Getting extra sleep sometimes, but doesn’t always, save me from random grogginess.

I don’t know why I think I can solve everything when it seems pretty clear I can’t solve most things. Jesus prods and lets me know I can’t do a single thing without him.

Bboy Fashion

So I just got delivered these nice vintage Adidas windbreaker pants - and it was merriment for all of 6 minutes before I realized I didn’t have any matching Adidas shoes.

You see, in bboying, a rule they tell you is to “dress fresh,” which has come to mean “dress in matching brands.” In the beginning this made sense to me, but now I have a few pushbacks:

1. This is expression-insensitive. If dancing is about expression, putting a conforming element on it works the other way.
   
2. This could be body-insensitive. My feet are made for Nike but my body maybe for some other brands.
   
3. This could be financially-insensitive. In order to have matching head-to-toe, that could easily cost over a hundred, if not hundreds. For an activity that gets your clothes dirty!! It makes no sense for those who have hard budgets.

Hiphop/bboying has a lot of diverse factions within it – mentality-wise people are on a spectrum of conservative to progressive. I’m a smattering in-between depending on the topic (e.g., balance, forms, culture, etc. etc.).

People Can Change

I think it’s imperative that in order to believe in a better tomorrow, you must believe that people can change (the growing challenge now in hoping the future is better). Just thinking about my own journey, I used to:

• be racist making fun of other races -- now, though not perfectly, I give utmost respect to every culture especially those disenfranchised;
• protest affirmative action – now I support it;
• think conservatives were idiots – now I feel genuine conservatives offer valuable input to society (while self-identified liberals hold conservative beliefs without knowing);
• be into politics in order to look down on others – then I was apathetic – and now I’m into it for the pursuit of equity;
• be a skeptical atheist – now I’m an enthusiastic Protestant;
• resent learning Chinese – now I’m committed to getting it;
• think myself the victim – now I’m aware more and more of pain I’ve caused people in the past.

I’m sure people will not like all these changes, but the fact is I’m different from my past self. Satan loves nothing better than for us to give into labeling and caricaturizing each other, where in reality we’re all complex, ever-morphing onions.

Someone once said beliefs can be changed provided 1) someone is intellectually convinced, 2) emotionally stirred, and 3) given the social space to practice and live out those beliefs. May we strive to minister good holistically.

Embarrassing Nostalgia

As my parents are cleaning up their house in preparing to move to their dream home (just down the street lol), my sister forwards me this little piece of history.

I really resented this backpack. The “Victory U.S.A.” clearly shows this wasn’t made in the USA. I simply didn’t have the social tools during my childhood to deflect the insecurity.

Maybe it’s a loss that my kid will not go through this degree of socio-cultural tension, that maybe he’ll lose the opportunity to empathize with the awkward/misfit. Or it’s too early to say.

Institutional Forgiveness

I wonder how people wronged by systemic injustice learn to forgive those oppressors, if they do. Like what should they do: seek resolution with the leader(s) of those guilty associations? Are the members of the group also held culpable? Make the reconciliation private, or announce publicly for the benefit of a group of victims?

Though terrible in scope and degree of destruction, institutional wrongdoing is biblically accounted for: the fall of humanity logically necessitates the fall of institutions. This simple fact is important but not always fully recognized.

So what of forgiving these institutions? Granted, different situations will require different approaches. Putting my counseling hat on, an ideal way would be personal and face-to-face, all parties acknowledging the fault committed and the appropriate restitution. This way, the victim(s)’s hearts aren’t prolongingly hardened against the one-dimensional oppressor in their mind. Indeed, the temptation to objectify institutions into cold caricatures explains why activism, with all its merits and drawbacks, can be so impassioned.

But wrongs need to be made public and acknowledged, right? Companies or countries need to be genuinely grieved by their actions! I don’t think this point can be overstated. Special committees and tribunals an apology does not make. Germany enjoys a reputation for being a leading, liberal democracy with most of its citizens deeply remorseful of WWII. In contrast, public opinions from Japanese citizens and their leaders don’t seem to display this remorse, and so would-be partners in the region will always hold this grudge.

What about suffering that is so complex and multifaceted? Who apologizes for the 2008 financial crisis? Partial apologies have been submitted by lenders, Fannie, Freddie, Congress, and Greenspan, but the blame really gets distributed widely, and so does the lingering suffering. And when the restitution consists of propping up powerful multinational companies instead of consumer-friendly mortgage relief policies (not that that was completely wrong but the optics weren’t good), one easily sees why trust and confidence in our institutions are at a record-low.

Going back to my original questions of how to reconcile/vindicate (the mechanics)…that’s intimidating in itself. There’s the actual harm inflicted, but then seeking justice creates another burden. Oppressed people don’t have the capital or leverage to fight their case effectively; they can’t afford to split time being an activist/self-lawyer and supporting themselves. My head hurts, but there appears to be no shortage of need for prayer.

EDIT: I just remembered my main impetus for writing this came from trying to understand why any black person would want to be in my denomination given the extremely racist origins (background information). That goes for a lot of things..public housing, police and criminal justice, education, media and entertainment, the list goes on and on… and I wonder just how they go on living normal lives when everything is perpetual PTSD. The courage of black people astounds me.

Backhand comments from work

“So when do you actually plan on remediating this?”

“We’re having trouble scoping this because we need to find an area where there are no known problems.”

“Are you guys planning on walking at this pace for the remainder of the trip? I’m asking because I may need to go faster.”

for the nostalgia

*writing while listening to La La Land, the ostensible nostalgia movie*
Strictly my own opinions --

Childhood bands that have gotten bad

• Relient K: infectious riffs turned vanilla riffs
• Linkin Park: stopped incorporating hip-hop sampling, so the energy and edginess is lost. Now very poopy
• Anberlin: got too new-age-y
• Flyleaf: I was borderline on this, but losing the lead singer will do it
• ONE OK ROCK: western-style sound engineering forced the drummer to overcompensate with more high hat over increased bass. Messy now, and overall sold out
• So-so in descending order Rise Against, The Killers, Starship Cobra

Bands that stopped in time before they got bad

• System of a Down
• Mae
• Daphne Loves Derby
• The Academy Is..
• Last Winter: it's a newer band, I know, but they put out good albums then stopped. Same with Search the City

Bands that stayed good

• Switchfoot
• Fall Out Boy
• Muse
• Mutemath
• Maroon 5: arguably
• Rise Against: changed my mind while writing
• The All-American Rejects: surprisingly
• John Mayer: doesn't count as a band, but much timeless

What do you guys think? Any bands I missed?

祝福

主，感谢你赐给我们儿子, 感谢你的恩典满足了他初生几日的需求。初生的这些天里，他带了欢乐，也时儿让我们焦虑和当心，不知所措。他是奇妙的礼物, 我们将尽职尽责好好带大培养他。

当然, 我对他有不凡但又现实的梦想。我希望他善良，希望他爱神和他的同伴邻居，我祈盼他做大丈夫并能收留异乡人。

在你的引导下，请帮助 Lucy和我，让我们庆祝所有的突破，祈祷去战胜困难。帮我们给他选个中文名子。亲属们都说一家人全部都上调了一级, 而我渴望的则是基督被最尊崇！